Tuesday, September 6, 2005

Things You Learn From Your Ex Wife's Girlfriend - Volume 5

Ok … before I start this wonderful edition of “as the blog spins”, I should probably just preface a little comment about how sick I truly am. First off I am cheating and putting this in early so I can chat with my girlfriend in the morning instead of racing to get my blog uploaded. Sue Me. Secondly I was really bored yesterday {today as I am writing this, and actually today as I am putting this in but pretend it is Tuesday damnit!} and managed to rip out all of my blog entries for the entire week {fiendish grin}, which is actually starting to make me think that I should write a book or something. As a courtesy to all of my loyal readers who think I am a little long winded, I give you my shortest one of the bunch … enjoy.

I think I have extended the hand of friendship quite well to my Ex Wife, and of course her lesbian lover. I have just undergone birthday number 2 with the two of them here like they are part of the family, and some more amusing things have come about that are worth noting. First and foremost is the fact that the “Silent Bob” of the duo {meaning the girlfriend of ex, not the ex herself} is starting to become less like a shtick actor out of “Chasing Amy” or “Clerks” and much more like the worst nightmare I had always assumed would come along sooner or later. The biggest problem is that in my worst nightmare, I had always assumed when an ex {of any kind damnit!} finally went out and got someone smarter, funnier, more personable, more energetic, more dependable, and especially more sane than me, I was of course expecting them to at least have a penis! I am quite sure that if she had one of those it would be twice as big as mine as well!

I guess it really was too good to be true. The absolute swan song of my overly married life would humorously be that the last wife becomes a lesbian. My acceptance of all of this has been based on at the very least … well … wrongly equipped for the job. This is an unusual twist, you see, because where you would think that this would be a-typical of all of the other ex’s that I have had, simply based on the whole identity crisis … well lets just say it isn’t. I have become very used to seeing every woman that I have ever been with, force me to question my own self based on the total trash they usually are seen with after me. “The Replacement Jeremy” {which was the codename thought up by her, and damnit that was funnier than what I could think up too!}, just steals the show when she comes over. I am waiting for one of the evils’s to walk up to her and accidentally call her daddy any day now.

Here’s my gripe list in so far {more will be revealed later} …

I have a Doctorate in Theology {Honorary for Service to The Southern Baptist Church (prison ministry) … could be considered Doctor of Divinity … but they were nice to make it Theology, and I think that sounds better} …. She has an actual College earned degree in Philosophy … and she’s smarter than me … but I am at least smart enough to know when to not share, so I only look kinda stupid compared to her here
I have an Associates Degree in Health {Yea I know … Foods and Dudes, but that’s what happens when you don’t finish off your Kinesiologist studies} …. She actually works as a dietician for an entire school system, so she not only has the leg up educationally so to speak, she can often correct my idiocy, when it comes to feeding my damn kids … ack!
I graduated from a very prestigious Prep Academy {So what if it was for the ability to “shoot da puck eh?” and because I was thrown out of public school, I was still there and graduated} …. Have you heard of Phillips Andover Academy by any chance? … wanna guess where she went and I didn’t?? Well I could have gotten into Phillips if I ... well studied ... or ... um .... didn't drink a lot ... and ... didn't blow stuff up ... oh screw you all!
I drive a 2 year old Kia Sedona Minivan {The Ex made me buy it actually because she couldn’t stand listening to the kids screaming right behind her, but I still like my Yiddle Blue Bus} …. But lets get back to reality as we try to compare it to the 6 month old Nissan Z that she drives over in!

Now of course, don’t think that I am really jealous of her {much} it’s just like I said … really confusing to have to be finally in a position of, not being able to point the finger at what I was either traded in for, or what they settled for after me. Especially confusing is the fact that she .. Well damnit … she’s a SHE. I can’t even do one of those typical guy “let’s just whip it out and measure” deals either! Oh holy crap the humiliation if I lost that too! As funny as I would like to believe that the whole traded in for a totally different model of car might be, I was really hoping that there would at least be that type of chaos that … well here we go again … I had brought to the situation before. I guess the upside to the whole scenario is that, I can’t be the entire blame for what goes wrong afterwards, although my last girlfriend is still among the missing ;8o)