Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Things You Learn From Your Co-Workers - Volume 2

So I start my day at Pink Mafia headquarters, after a long day previous of excruciating back pain that had spread to my right butt cheek {usually feels like a knife jammed in the side of your ass actually}, and I am not really recovering from the wonderful crap, that had happened to me at the therapists. When you have a blown out disk, it kinda goes with the territory {I suppose}, but I will whine about it, if I want to, because it is MY blog damnit! I am pretty much overworked by the Pink Mafia, as is everyone else here, and I also haven’t gotten over my huge demotion, and pay cut that followed my injury. I endure, because I need to feed the 4 evil bastards that I come home to every day, and in turn it also gets me away from those 4 evil bastards that I come home to every day, as well.

Well for lack of a better expression, “The crap really few” while I was off yesterday, and a LOT of things had changed. Although in my opinion, it was a take it or leave it on whether it was better or not. Pope George … oops … damnit … “King George”, came to me first thing as I entered the door, in my mind it sounded something like this “My most trusted Under boss, I need you to go down there, and rectify the entire, ‘Night Shift, didn’t do a damn thing last night’ problem. Try to have it done in about a third of the time the average human could do it, because I have several other impossible jobs for you to do afterwards!”, which probably meant parting the Red Sea, and walking on water, or many other biblical tasks that I have come to call commonplace around here. Life is usually 50/50 around here, the two who usually work, have already started their tasks, the two who rarely do .. haven’t. It is my job as the “Under boss” to motivate them in the best way possible.

“Jose! Tu es BAGO! Muy importante!”, as I ushered the lazy Dominican, who usually at the very least, starts moving when you call him on it. “Paul, come on man, you know you need to be setting up boxes, dude!”, I then say to the lazy ass product of American DNA. He starts moping around like Droopy the Dog, from the Woody Woodpecker cartoons, until I walk over and do the usual, “What the hell is the matter with you and your girlfriend now Paul?”, to which he replies like he always does, “I think she’s cheating on me again?”

“Jesus Christ, will you two just stop f*cking other people, or at least for the love of God, stop f*cking each other then?”, you have to know this person, to understand why I talk to him this way. Always does the wrong things in his damn life, never listens, always depressed. Most people try to talk him into a happier place, while I have decided that the very hard stick method, will probably work better, “I have told you a hundred times, and just think of it as older brother style advice, if you can’t be faithful to her, then you will always assume she is unfaithful to you! Just clean up your own emotional garbage, and then maybe, you can have a healthy relationship, where the two of you aren’t paranoid all the time.” to which he looked at me like I was still speaking Spanish. “I never think about cheating on my girlfriend, so I never assume that she is either, dude. I have been burned by it, but it beats being paranoid, trust me, ok?”, and with that he was at least working.

“I need you to go around to all of the guys and find out what they want for subs, go out to Supreme, and have them deliver them, on us. Oh and make sure you get the price!”, I simply nodded, as I heard “Go ask 84 people, who all will want fancy ass sh*t, the second they find out it is free, what you will torturously write down 97 separate instructions, for each order. Drive over to Supreme, where you will now be ‘the enemy’ for bringing in this huge list, and then ask the person there to itemize it, while you stand there, hating you!” … oh goodie, I can’t wait. 90 minutes later I am at Supreme with the list, the second they open the door for business, knowing full well that I am going to be despised! It went almost exactly as I saw it going except for a few wrinkles. The very young woman, who took my order from me, and started talking in a language that I think was Portuguese, was absolutely stunning to look at. I couldn’t really decipher what she was saying to her father {the owner} but I am pretty sure it involved my mother and inbreeding. As she made one smart remark after another, and talked down to me, all the while looking at me with such hatred. I had an eerie feeling, that was almost comfortable in it’s familiarity as this was going on. I couldn’t place my finger on it until I had the overwhelming urge to say “Yes Dear”, and then it totally hit me like a bolt of lightening, as I realized that I FEEL LIKE I AM MARRIED TO THIS WOMAN! ….. ACK!

Back to Pink Mafia HQ, and I had to distribute all of these subs, when they arrived. {the trick is to stand there, until they open them, so that you can simply take all of the bitching and whining about ‘how they are f*cked up’ on the spot … saves you from having to be hunted down later you see} I then realized that I had not gotten one sub, out of all 84, and it just so happened to be for one of the really nice, goofy Bosnians {my other children} at work. This one is the REALLY big one with the heart of a Teddy bear too. He looked like he was going to cry, and my heart was breaking … until … I looked down in my hand and realized that the sub with the name Jeremy on it was also a Large Toasted Italian, and I handed it over to him. He argued with me about it for a few minutes, but since I was the only one who wasn’t here yesterday when they thought up these plans, I had brought a lunch anyway. Warm Ham & Cheese on Wonder bread, who could ask for anything more!

The group congregated to get the report from the Vice President, about the new pay scales, and that we would all be getting a raise, that everyone except ME already knew about. The scales would be based on your job title, and I decided to wait until after he was through to go talk to him. Everyone else got told what their new salaries would be yesterday, and they were all rather large. I had yet to be told, but I wanted to talk to him about it anyway, “I just wanted to know what is going on with my ‘Job Title’ as I am technically the lowest here, because I was demoted, but I still do all of my old supervisor jobs, I was hoping that, it could be amended to something else, perhaps?” which he said he would get on right away. He got on it by having the HR director come down and tell me that {and this is the truth guys} “If you are cleared of light duty, you will be going from $12.23, to $12.25 an hour, as far as your job description goes, you are going to have to stay where you are until the Insurance company decides whether you are going to stay here or be sent to a different place of employment.” and with that I stood there dumbfounded.

I then walked up to King George's Office, where HIS boss was sitting there in a meeting with him, and slammed the door behind me ……… To Be Continued! ;8o)