Sunday, September 11, 2005

Superdaddyman Takes on Lazius Boycrazius - Volume 1

Szarah Jacqueline - named by a 15 year old who desperately wanted her new toy to be cool, a Z was placed behind the S to create a feeling of uniqueness {Later on it was discovered that in Turkish Szarah means “princess” so that is what I tell her} ... Code Name "Big Evil" aka “The Master Planner“ ... phylum "Lazius Boycrazius" - greatest contributions to the world thus far - Has tested Superdaddyman’s serenity with such wonderful contributions as menstruation discussion, and often maxi pad disposal issues - Future great moments should include - This will be the person to create the situation, that will probably end up in the death of Captain ADHD at the hands of Imtoocutus “Mystery woman on the scene was spotted giving Imtoocutus noogies, and Captain ADHD has fallen!”.

The complications that arise with Big Evil often have more to do with what I haven’t witnessed as apposed to what I have. Unfortunately this poor little lady {strange to say that as she is a D-Cup at just about turning 13} had a good 5 years with 19 different daddy’s before I came along and bought the cow, that gave her birth. It was on her 6th birthday that just so happened to come right after the birth of her brother, that I gave her a card that said this “As I had told everyone that I didn’t care whether I had a boy or girl, I just wanted ‘healthy’ … I want you to know, and it is our little secret, that I was lying to everyone the whole time. I secretly wanted a boy, because as I was concerned, I already have a beautiful daughter”, and that pretty much sums up our relationship. Now mind you, this small piece of honesty that I share with you, is only meant for educational purposes, and can not be used as evidence on whether I really like Lazius Boycrazius or not.

The poor girl really didn’t stand a chance until I came along and adopted her, and through an amazing twist of fate, became her total guardian along with the other two children, because the courts decided {and I agree with them} that I am a far better parent then the people who actually sired her. This does not mean that we have had a wonderfully joyful time, that looks like Disney characters skipping through flowery meadows all the time. On the contrary, I am her father, and neither of us have really ever given it half a though otherwise, so we have a lot of those “But you don’t understand what it is like to be a teenage girl” {before I say any more let me remember to look up at God and thank him for not giving me all of that being a teenage girl confusion to add to all of my other problems}, and all of the utterly humiliating things that happen to a single father with a teenage girl. Read through my past entries for some real doozies, but I will explain another really good one right now.

Her friend Chelsea … now all parents with daughters have a friend like Chelsea, that tries to help your daughter fulfill her true calling as a master manipulator. I am amazed that Big Evil doesn’t call her Sensei, My Master, or Professor, because of all of the wonderful manipulation techniques that she is trying to “try out” on her own mother {also single, and a little less confused about being a teenage girl, but still confused} I have formed many dialogues with her mother over the last year, as we both decided that if we talk and get the stories strait ahead of time that it just saves us the cost of Pepto-Bismol.

Chelsea’s latest scheme, was that they needed to get to a high school football game. Don’t all 8th grade girls need to go and hang out with boys who are anywhere from 15 to 18 years of age? I mean … well … I was a 15 to 18 year old boy, and what is often said about us is TOTALLY TRUE, so I had to put the kibosh on that whole idea from the start. Wonderful Chelsea would keep calling back every 10 or so minutes with the name of another feeble minded adult (I say feeble minded, because if you are going to get away with stuff, and you are a 7th degree black belt in manipulation, you are not coming up with the brilliant ones off hand) that she could think of to be their “escorts”. I finally had to tell Big Evil to put Chelsea’s mom on the phone because it was time to end all of this, which Chelsea, wasn’t to happy about, and also wasn’t about to do it either. The little light bulb came on above Superdaddyman’s head which could mean only one thing. Her mom doesn’t want her going either, or worse yet, she had somehow convinced her mother that I was the chaperone. Little did she know, thanks to the wonders of Nextel, her mother and I use the same line that alerts Superdaddyman that Captain ADHD is plotting the ruination of another small government. All that was lacking was her {Chelsea} stopping in her tracks and saying “Curses! I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for those meddling kids!!!!” and Superdaddyman has foiled yet another plot to commit evil on unsuspecting society.

Big Evil for all of her faults has a really big heart. Her role in “Operation Get Daddy” is a lot simpler than most of the really evil ones out there. If she had her way, she would have me married off again (and trust me she tries, with everyone from her camp councilors, to even school teachers), and I can’t blame her for that. Fortunately she has been blessed to comprehend a lot of my moral compass issues, and she really wants a family, like any other child would. I’m pretty sure that in her own way, she wants Superdaddyman to be happy as well, but no mater who I am dating, It stays a secret, because I desperately want “Adult Issues” to remain amongst the adults, and my children to have the opportunity to be children.

Because of the children, I have learned to avoid two kinds of women (unfortunately I fail at times too) the ones who hate children {BTW - when you fix someone up on a blind date … make sure that the first hour of conversation isn’t dedicated to how much they hate kids … that’s MY JOB damnit!!} … and ones who absolutely demand to be part of their lives ASAP … for the record … the second IS always far worse than the first. ;8o)