Monday, September 5, 2005

Superdaddyman Takes on the Evil Imtoocutus - Volume 1

Sabrina Lynn - named after the teenage witch on television, and the middle name of the witch who gave birth to her ... Code Name "Little Evil" aka “The Evil Binostopholese“ ... phylum "Imtoocutus" - greatest contributions to the world thus far - Has often been known to put on the charm to get Superdaddyman dates, and if the need be … out of them as well - Future great moments should include - The death and ruination of Captain ADHD should Superdaddyman fail in his obligations, followed by the headlines “Girl Wonder takes Down The Lex Luthor of Our Time!”.

So my newest problem is that I have another future super villain living under the same roof as me. Imtoocutus, has been starting to show signs that she has the brain of Captain ADHD with the total cunning of Lazius Boycrazius, and worse yet the manipulative skills of Greektradgedius Inyiddish to boot. She is truly starting to come into her own, as more often than not Captain ADHD is yelling to me about how Imtoocutus did something to hurt him now. She also started Kindergarten this week, and just so happens to have Captain ADHD’s old teacher. This woman I had promised Imtoocutus would make up for Captain ADHD, and I think that she is going to make me look foolish already. I just hope she can make it through an entire class without doing a headstand in the middle of the room.

This all started when I brought Imtoocutus to the doctors office so that she could get her last 3 boosters to get into Kindergarten. She is always ready to put on a show, no matter where we go and this was definitely no different. The attractive young nurse came in to take all of Binostopholese’s vitals, and at the same time give her all of the lectures about diet and nutrition. Bina is a ham and will do anything for attention, mind you that any woman under the age of 499 just fall in love with her instantly. This of course is phase one of her diabolical plot known as “Operation Get Daddy” since it makes it IMPOSSIBLE to convince anyone that she is the spawn of Satan, and should be touched only with fire retardant safety equipment. The nurse told her about vegetables, and said “You can tell Mommy and Daddy about it later” which is probably the standard line, but the nurse was totally thrown off pace when Imtoocutus looked at her with the saddest puppy dog eyes, and said “I don’t have a mommy, but daddy always makes me eat my vegetables.”

Oh yea, I (being the greatest absorber of human behavior in the history of mankind) noticed everything that happened after that. The nurse put her hand on my knee and looked me strait in the eye, as she said “I am so sorry to hear that, you must be a wonderful man for taking care of three children by yourself”, and then proceeded to do absolutely everything with her left hand from that point on to make DAMN sure that Superdaddyman, could not avoid the lack of ring that she sported. Hell I noticed it so much that I can tell you that there wasn’t a single marking from a ring ever having been there. Little Evil, was just grinning away from that point on, and aside from the fact that I wondered almost to the point of asking out loud, why an obviously intelligent woman would become so available to a man who obviously picks women who can’t even take care of kids, much less turned into a whino, the fact that Imtoocutus knew all to well what she was doing, didn‘t escape me either. I am on to her damnit. She even told the story herself at the dinner table later to her brother and sister. She went as far as to say the nurse was gonna be her new mommy. I sat there with my head in my hands embarrassed …. By the story telling abilities of a 5 year old mind you!

The second thing she did {which was the most amazing thing I have ever seen one of my kids do, and trust me this is coming from the father of Captain ADHD for Christ’s Sake} is that she took her nose with her fingers and pushed it to the side for the doctor, and we heard a very loud crack. I mean it sounded like bones breaking, and the doctor and I both jumped, really concerned about what we just saw. She did it again in the other direction, and the doctor then said “So you can crack your jaw, I see” and then Little Evils showed how with the slightest movement she can make the loudest crack I ever heard with her jaw. How she figured that out, and how she figured out how to make people think it was her nose absolutely fascinated me. The doctor apparently figured it out because he has seen it before, but that was definitely Captain ADHDish and a little scary.

She took her shots like a big girl, and I took her out for ice cream afterwards (ice cream, like Popsicles cures everything) and she made sure that she saved just enough to get home to eat in front of the other two. A child after my own heart actually. The first thing that she said, when Lazius Boycrazius gave her a hard time about her shots was “The doctor said you are getting one next week,” which Big Evil tried to dismiss at first as a Binatale (fairy tale with less creativity). I had to make her day by saying, “Yeah the doctor did say to her that the next one she was going to get would be, at the beginning of Eighth Grade,” which immediately made Lazius Boycrazius’s face drop and turn green, but the best part about it was Binostopholese sitting at the table with the last bit of her ice cream singing “Zara going to Eighth Grade, Zara getting a Shot Oh Yea” … I better think up her new Super Villain code name fast, because she is starting to pick up some serious steam. ;8o)