Friday, September 16, 2005

Superdaddyman Takes on the Evil Imtoocutus - Volume 2

Thomas Will - named after my dear old great grandfather ... Code Name "A-Hole" aka “Tommy Boy“ ... phylum "Scottish Terrier" - greatest contributions to the world thus far - Has been known to amuse or disgust guests by walking on his front legs while dragging his nasty behind on the floor while looking like he is smiling … Future great moments should include - Faithful and loyal sidekick to Imtoocutus, will be in on the ruination of Captain ADHD for sure “And it was mans best friend who became the ‘other‘ suspect at the death of Captain ADHD!”.

Ok friends … keep in mind that I am just being honest {not brutally honest which usually means “abusive” but with justification}, and what I am about to tell you will shock & dismay. Well it will be another one of those things that shock & dismay people without kids anyway. That damn Scotty Dog, is peeing all over the upstairs! It has been driving me crazy that every time I go into the girls bedroom, there is a big pool of urine that I either step in on the floor, or I soak in on the carpet. Enough is enough already, I was just going mental over this damn dog. The dog was given the Borg designation 5 of 5, because it was brought into my life by my grandmother {Greektradgedius Inyiddish} a few weeks after the evil Binostopholese {Imtoocutus} was born. It was supposed to be the companion for my lonely old grandmother and unfortunately when my lonely old grandmother moved in here {so that she could retire, and I could support her … thus she baby-sits the kids whilst I am at work} that yappy little creep moved in with her. Sorry to any of you who think I am the typical strapping young buck with a dog, because I am actually a cat person. Specially the big goofy looking ones with the fluffy tails … they are just so darn … oops … off topic … so needless to say I have always had no use for dogs, and especially not ones that just yap all the time, and rub their nasty little rear ends on the floor, and pee on stuff!

Well it was a little shocking to find out the truth to this little mystery, but I had to all the same. I was going upstairs to tuck in the girls after a long day of blogging … oops I mean … cleaning … yeah that works … to find 4 of 5 {Imtoocutus} with her pull up off, peeing on her own floor. RIGHT WHERE I ALWAYS STEP, AND GET MAD AT THE DOG!!! It’s pretty frustrating, when your 5 year old daughter, who mind you gets roughly 70% of the attention in the whole house {and if you don’t give it to her outright she will TAKE IT}, doing something THIS BAD. I realize that she is crying out for more attention and all, but can’t she just go back to talking over us all … sheesh. After a short walk downstairs {to my den … the thinking place} to smoke a cigarette and gather my composure, I walked back upstairs, and sat down with Imtoocutus, to have a nice talk about her behavior. While I was trying to explain to her that peeing on the floor for attention was a bad thing, that nasty little dog came in and peed on the other side of the floor. Which forced me to have to shuttle his nasty behind outside, and then back upstairs again to use Superdaddyman’s greatest weapon in the fight against evil!! The looooooooooong … boooooooring … monotone lecture. I know it is a little extreme, but times like these call for drastic measures. About 20 minutes later, she was begging me to just spank her, and for some unknown reason, really didn’t want any attention from me at all. Go figure?

There is still the matter of the stupid dog to deal with, and I could just hear it now “You leave my poor dog alone, he’s my friend,” usually followed by a steady stream of crocodile tears. This woman really is the master you know. The trick to becoming a 7th degree black belt master at guilt, is to be able to pull it off, when everyone darn well knows it is on the way. I’ve been to Alanon meetings where they should , have her come in as the guest speaker. I very calmly tried to reason with her … “We really need to think about housetraining that ….” to which she cut me off in my tracks “You house trained your daughter and look how good she is doing.” which of course could not go unanswered, as I pointed out “In dog years Tommy is actually 25 years old, in another couple of years it will be the equivalent of me peeing on the floor,” which in true Guilt Ninja fashion was easily brushed back at me with “I remember when you would be drunk all the time, and urinate wherever you felt like it!” … touche’

In all reality, I haven’t pissed the bed or woken up with a hangover in over 16 years, by the grace of God, well until this morning. My doctor told me to take this Hydrocodone liquid before I go to bed. He pointed out to me that I am a miracle {if he only knew} because my disk is actually sinking back into the spine, and the nerves are reforming. Coughing and sneezing, are making any progress … I digress, so I have to do what he says. My sponsor agreed {told ya that prick was out to get me} and told me that not following doctors orders is self medicating as well, and you might as well pick up a “white chip“ if you are going to self medicate. Needless to say I took the teaspoon of gunk {tasted like Di-Gel … oh the nightmares of Di-Gel … ack}, and this morning I woke up feeling eerily and distantly familiar. My stomach was turning, my head hurt, my body just wanted to collapse, my eyes wouldn’t work … Oh my God … I have a hangover!!! Even though I hadn’t drank since I was 19, I pretty much NEVER used any drugs, so I figure it wasn’t something my body was used to at all. I rationalized it as, God trying to remind me what it used to be like, and I remembered that I hated it! Fortunately I remembered to run to the bathroom before I had a peeing on the floor moment too, and I also got to worship at the porcelain alter {you know the place that alkies used to get on their knees, and talk to God all the time, before they got sober and swore they hated God}, like I used to as well. Heaven help that little girl, if I walk up stairs and step in pee. ;8o)