Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Oh The Wonderful Past Wreckage - Volume 1

Sometimes the good things you do, come back to haunt you. I have always understood this phrase “No good deed goes unpunished” but I still do the next right thing anyway. About 6 years ago, my aunt was going through a rather messy divorce with her ego-maniacal, millionaire, wife beating, adultering, football hating, useless, scumbag of a husband, and although I wasn’t allowed to kill him, I had to sit and listen to all of the complaining about how she missed him. In true co-dependant fashion, I applied a band-aid to the boo-boo the only way I could think of, and that was to introduce her to the uncle of my wife (at the time … for those keeping track it was “The Mother of all Evils’s” and not the lesbian) who I thought would be perfect for her. They hit it off famously, and moved in together within a month, because I am not the only love addict without the ability to be alone in the family. She unfortunately was stricken with the “Oh my God I’m alones” too. This was great as far as I was concerned because although he wasn’t anything like her ex-husband he was after all … well … nothing like her ex-husband.

My mother was absolutely furious! She did nothing but a trash and burn campaign towards him for many years, until we threw her out of Nooooo Hampshah to go back to New York City, where people like her belong, you see. Now I am not bashing New York City in the least. I love New York, but let’s face it, if you are a fame starved elitist snob, then Rye, Nooooo Hampshah probably isn’t going to make you very happy. Now back to why she was pissed. You see, she was putting together a slew of ego-maniacal, millionaire, wife beating, adultering, football hating, useless, scumbags, to be the next one to date my aunt, and I totally ruined that, by introducing her to a poor, goofy, kind, faithful, football loving, piece of white trash, just like me, who will be perfectly happy spending the rest of his life doing whatever she wants to do. She wants to go to the movies … he’s happy with that. She wants to go out yard sale hunting … great he’ll go start the car. My mother would trash him CONSTANTLY, while still nagging my aunt about needing to find a man of “her” stature. Hell it worked for my mother the last 3 husbands, so why would my aunt want to stray from the company model huh?

My aunt finally got it though, and a lot of women out there {like my mother} could stand to just be happy, and secure in that, if not everything else. It has been 6 wonderfully poor, happy, faithful, totally entrenched in romance years for them, and I never even thought of what is happening now. You see, I was very happy to get rid of my former in-laws, and I actually think he was too, since he became a black sheep in that family and gave up the whole dysfunctional lot, to take on his role as my kids surrogate grandfather as his … ok … I’ll just say it …. “Fiancé” … has taken on the role of grandmother. Oh God the shivers that go down my spine thinking about actually being related to the inbred lot of them, by marriage once again. I know you are thinking, “Oh now who is the elitist snob now?”, but I have an excuse that is actually rather true in nature … I actually lived that nightmare already!!

So … the Hatfield’s and the McCoy’s sat down to create some sort of a peace treaty, that would accommodate, all the parties involved. The wedding will be at my ex-mother-in-law’s house {oh God kill me now!!!}, because they have the biggest property. I can picture it now, here comes the bride, played on 3 banjo’s. Perhaps a wonderful rendition of Cannon in D Major plated on a big ol’ jug with someone blowing in it? The only two things that makes me smile about that is that I do love my ex-mother-in-law {her husband on the other hand … ack}, as I do her brother who I will now be calling uncle, and my mother will have to go to a wedding with chickens running around everywhere. You bet your ass I am going to have a camera! It did make sense though seeing as he has about 450 relatives that will be showing up {if you ever wondered why Maine has a second representative, it’s because of his family} and there will be roughly 7 of mine, if you include the bride. My mother wasn’t the only one to escape from Nooooo Hampshah by the way, and I am pretty sure that the rest of the family will continue to pretend we don’t exist.

My aunt alerted me that there will probably be NO alcohol allowed at the wedding, which filled me with shock and horror. She thought she was doing me a favor, but I had to tell her, “Please don’t do that. I might be jealous of people who can drink, and not end up in jail, but I never think it is a bad thing. Besides, I would absolutely DREAD hanging out with these people if they couldn’t drink, and thought it was because of me,” which she gave me that look of ‘but I didn’t want them to drink’ which I replied to with “Well it’s your day, so if you want me to take the hit for it I will” and I gave her my usual goofy grin. After all, they do tend to get a little “rowdy” to say the least when they have alcohol around. Her fiancé, might be one of the two or three pearls in that field of rotten oysters, but I am actually terrified about the thought of having to merge families with them again. The reality of it is, my ex-wife, had her kids taken away from her because of neglect, and handed over to me. Her own doing in front of judges, made it so that she has absolutely no parental rights at all {even to the child that is biologically hers, and not mine} and she doesn’t lift a finger to see them, or support them to this day. That is a fact, and here is another fact to go with it … She learned to be that way from someone, and the apple rarely falls far from the tree.

It took me many years, two failed suicide attempts, a mental hospital, and a 12 step program to break free from the bad habits that I had. A lot of them I was born with, some I inherited through contagion {of family and friends of family}, and in the end I also managed to create some really bad ones of my own too. I am a true believer of “You are what your parents make you, if you choose to stay that way … Blame YOU”, but in reverse … it gets a little sketchy. When you look up on that tree that the apple fell from, you often see a lot more apples that are still clinging on to the tree. ;8o)