Friday, September 23, 2005

More Babble From The Love Addict - Volume 3

In happiness that one of my best friends is out of the hospital, and recovering at home, I am using her IM font for my blog tonight. Now this was originally a letter that I was going to send to a friend, who I felt was in some trouble, based on his emotional make-up, he appears to not want it, so I am forcing it upon him, by posting it in my blog … lol … I am probably totally wrong in his case, but after having a great talk with one of my dearest online friends I decided that posting it as a “co-dependency 12th step “ was probably a good idea. It is often something that most of us have in common, in one form or another. For those of you who do not know what a 12th step is, it is a way of sharing yourself, your experiences, to hope that someone else may learn, and be able to grow by relating to what you have been through. It is what alcoholics like myself do to stay sober, and it is also a good basis for any sort of sharing, between two people who need to grow, and recover from, just about anything … enjoy …

So I remember back as far as I can, and the one thing that was always prevalent in my life was that I rarely if ever felt loved. Even if I was, and it was blatantly obvious, I was always incapable of processing any sort of human compassion properly. If it were someone who was trying to help me, I would exploit what they were attempting, only to chase them away, or harm them in their attempt to love me, or care for me. My ways of actually accepting what I thought was love, was to allow it to get out of control, drive me to many poor decisions, and inevitably, it would always turn into abuse, in one form or another. Not abuse, as I would lay it out, but abuse in the way I, or any other human being would be treated under the same circumstances. Anything that had to do with being loved in my mind required something that resembled a hostage situation, whether it was on my part or the other. Inevitably whatever happened along the way I would sooner or later, start actually feeling abuse, and that would lead to feeling trapped, which would lead to fantasizing about what I wished I was, and would force me to shut down. My own self abusive behavior as it pertained to relationships, always led to me being destructive, or even worse being destructive to others.

I never entered into ANY relationship expecting abuse of any sort, in the beginning, I would just pretend that it was a wonderful relationship, and the poisoning would just start to happen. It would start slowly, and then it would get worse, along the way I would try harder, and do whatever SHE wanted just to be “allowed” my happiness, and in my own sick mind I always though that “This is what I deserve, and it is all I can get, because I am worthless”. I would gain any little piece of sanity, happiness, or peace with HER permission at all times, until I finally started hating myself to the point of doing something stupid, and then becoming even more enslaved to the abusive persons wishes. I would then inevitably OWE her the pleasure of whatever hell she put me through, or any of the marching orders that she placed upon me. The vicious cycle would continue ad-nausea until she had totally sucked everything out of me and left me a shell of what little I was from the last one. I would in turn be far more susceptible to the next one to come along, and in time I thought that simply denying myself any rage, or temptation that the angry controlling person was driving me too, was the way to be WELL in all of it. I though MY demons were what was at issue here, and although they were, it had NOTHING to do with why I constantly lived in a fantasy, and hated myself. I was assisting someone in my own destruction.

I shall give you a true look into the last girlfriend who finally put me over the edge, and gave me the epiphany to simply tell everyone that I was a love addict, and needed to just be alone. Why I walked around in a daze, truly believing that I should just be alone, and wishing that I was simply normal. My quote the whole time {and you can ask any woman who came in contact with me} was “I am totally incapable of having a healthy relationship, and I am not going to be trying anytime soon” … during this process I was totally beating the shit out of myself, but it was the only way I could get through the epiphany. I am hoping that others suffer it less.

I met this woman online … she was supposedly a friend of my girlfriend and mine at the time, and when the relationship with the girlfriend ended, she displayed a lot of genuine looking affection toward me. She was considered by a lot of people (myself included) to be a very sane and well person, so I was actually flattered, and elated over the attention. It became pretty serious quickly, and I was generally happy to be with her. She started commenting on many of my behaviors instantly, and had a wonderful way of making me feel stupid for not noticing them. She would get very jealous of ANY other women, who were my friends, or just casual acquaintances, and would start to get really cruel to me if I was to be in any way that she considered “flirtatious”. It would usually lead to some sort of lecture on how I was just to gullible to notice that the things I do leads women on. The fighting would lead to name calling {all her} and sooner or later I would simply shut up about it and accept the poisoning, because it was just EASIER. I did EVERYTHING to make this woman happy. I spent days nursing her back to health after a surgery. I spent every dime I had trying to make her happy. I completely abandoned any of my friends, yahoo, and any other sort of human contact that would interfere with her control over me. The poison was seeping into every fiber of my being. She was spending less time actively caring about my feelings. She kept total control of what I said, did etc, and I was mistaking it all for true love. Hopelessly, madly, forever in love.

I started hating myself as I always do. I was doing the same things I always do. I was with the same woman I was almost always with, and I was starting to slip out of reality, and into my fantasies. It all starts with the lying about being happy, then the lying about being loved, and it inevitably led to me lying about me. I started dreaming of being a human being, with feelings, and popularity, and all of the things I just didn’t have. I started trying to convince people of this, and I started wishing that I would just do to this woman, what she contended every other man ever did to her. I look back on all of the women in my life that I have loved in this fashion, and think that they ALL deserved it. I on the other hand did it once long ago, and I thought that it was me. It was me, but it was merely a symptom of my co-dependant mind that forced me to believe that I had to become what these women wanted. I had to take the poison, and I also had to hate myself for living in the dream worlds that they forced me into, even if by this time I was a willing participant.

The epiphany came after I hurt my back at work. She IMMEDIATELY started to force me out of her life, her downright cruelty became so much worse that I actually ended up crying myself to sleep every night. I was distraught because I lived in that world that I fantasized about. All of that time I spent nursing her back to health should have been money in the bank, and all it ended up being, was another disappointment, when she started telling me that I was no fun anymore. I hated myself for that. I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t work, I couldn’t take care of my kids, and I was at this point crying over a woman who NEVER loved me. I was desperate, to try to make her love me again, but it was never to happen. I had heard through the grapevine that she wanted to get rid of me, when I was talking to one of those people that she tried to keep me from, by telling me constantly that I was going to cheat on her with her. The poison as it was infected into my very soul, but something strange happened, the epiphany, as I was genuinely furious at HER, instead of me. It was so obvious that she had PLANTED that pill, with every intention of it getting back to me, and I wasn’t going to accept it. I dumped her miserable ass, as I had NEVER been able to do that before. I was free.

I spent several months beating myself up while displaying that I was ok. I did have some time to look at the very things that were my biggest problems, as far as co-dependency was concerned. The things I looked for in a woman were the things I truly hated about myself. I convinced myself that I was finding women that I related too. For the last 18 years of my life, I was with women who hated themselves, were suicidal, were constantly scorned, were undependable in every way shape or form, were used by others, and most importantly emotionally unstable. Between the two of us, there would always be someone in the victim role {almost always ME}, and someone in the aggressor role {who I would pretend to be in my fantasies}, and if I couldn’t make someone else happy, I was useless, and I would find someone else to take it all out on. Misplaced rage, and confusion.

The woman I am with now, was one of my best friends, and she spent ,many days trying to convince me that I was just sick. I wasn’t THE CAUSE of all of my problems, just a horrible co-partner in most of them. As time passed we ended up giving in to our feelings, but NOT until AFTER I had resolved the bullshit, that had controlled my life for so long. I look upon her today, and aside from my 3rd wife {who became a lesbian, so that is problem enough .. lol}, does NOT display the majority of the problems that I have always looked for in my women. No suicide attempts, no prior spousal abuse {physical, or cheating}, no emotionally abusive traits, and thinks she is as bad of a mother as I often think I am as a father, and we both note how obviously wrong we BOTH are. I NEVER would have found any of this without a very searching and fearless moral inventory {got it on my computer}, and the ability to be ALONE long enough to do my OWN damn thinking, with the help of nothing but FRIENDS who love me, not women I wish would, but secretly was expecting to not. ;8o)