Thursday, September 8, 2005

More Babble From The Love Addict - Volume 2

Tonight will be the most important day in my new found romantic life. There will be much heralded fanfare, an incredible amount of cheering, and much to talk about for many years to come. It will be the type of night that I will be telling my grandchildren about, and hopefully they will share it with theirs, and I hope that my girlfriends family some day will do the same. It’s going to be a struggle, but I have to do it sometime, so why not just do it tonight and get it over with, I say. You see, she will be coming over to watch the Patriots play the Raiders for the official start of the 2006 NFL season, and you all don’t even have a clue, how complicated all of these factors put together are!

Football {and especially Patriots football} is the absolute bedrock of my entire existence. Sure I will get a few comments about sobriety, and serenity , and all of that crap, but lets get real here. It was last year when I had to go to bowling league during the Patriots AFC Divisional playoff game, you know the one against the dreaded Indianapolis Manning’s {why pretend they are still called the Colts, get real}, that Bill Belichick elevated himself from being my sponsor to my full fledged Higher Power. How could he not, since I didn’t have a single nervous moment during that entire game, and the next week in Pittsburgh … same thing. The Patriots just completely whooped their asses, and I didn’t have to get an ulcer.

Needless to say, football creates some incredibly rocky emotions in me, and also turns me into the real OBVIOUS daddy of Captain ADHD. This underlines many of the problems that are going to happen tonight.

First and foremost allow me to give some history on the subject. I am pretty damn sure that the Patriots had a lot to do with my first divorce. My ex {of course} hated football, and worse than that her father and I were downright football buddies. Season ticket holders … face painters … tailgaters … yanno, normal folk. 8 days a year we would be gone all day, and my best friend at the time would keep my wifey poo company while we were gone. F-ing Dolphins fan. The moral to this story is A. Patriots are still worth losing a wife over … B. Dolphins fans suck donkey nuts … and of course C. In the state of New Hampshire, you can lose season tickets to a football team in a divorce, even if the woman has no intention of ever going to a game {Did I ever mention that this woman is the meanest bitch who ever lived … told ya}. For the most part almost all other women I have been with have totally adored football, because it almost always ended up being the perfect time to discuss, heartbreaking and emotional crap. To be totally honest about the whole thing, I haven’t got a clue what any of them actually said at the time, and DON’T care now either, because I had them on IGGY, regardless of whether I timed my … ayuh … uhum … yep … of course … or whatever else my brain threw out at every few intervals.

So now that I have explained to you all how I was the perfectly loving, and adoring man, let me now get into the harsh realities that I face tonight. You see beyond the fact that I get totally Bi-Polar during football games, which is expected with any seriously important life changing events. Oh and let me tell you the highs and lows are just staggering! The cigarette manufacturers get absolutely excited during the Patriots games .. trust me, I get thank you letters and coupons. I admittedly also have a tendency to babble a bit, as I am tremendously nervous during the whole thing. This poor woman is going to learn more about football then she ever cared to know, and if she is smart, she should just put ME on IGGY! It isn’t baseball after all, there are only 16 games. The more serious problem at hand is the woman that I am watching the game with, and how she truly reacts to all of this. I like her a lot, and she prides herself as a serious Patriots fan, but we have to be on the guard at all times, because you never know when this could be another Gloria Steinem, or some other foot soldier formulating a rather lengthy scheme in “Operation Get Jeremy!”

Oh you might think this is funny, and the voices told me that you all were against me anyway, so I am not surprised. The ruthless, and tireless efforts of the powers that be are always on the look out for new and incredibly more sinister ways of trashing football season for Superdaddyman, and usually it simply is a woman who lied, about liking football. I wouldn’t put it past the NOW gang to have placed this person in my life, and made football the FIRST thing we actually had in common, you see. This one has all the makings of a full blown conspiracy. It is incredibly too convenient for an actual Patriots fan, to be everything else I happened to have wanted in a woman at the time, so I am formulating a little trap … HA HA! I will simply sit and watch the game, as calmly as I possibly can, and when the time is right I will open up a conversation with her. Yeah, she’ll never know what hit her, and when she is reeling from that unexpected plot twist, I might even compliment her on something, like her feet fitting the rest of her body nicely, or some other thing, I better write up a list. “Operation Get Jeremy!” will never get me that easily … damnit! The last test will be the kicker though, as I force her to put on … you got it {wickedly evil fiendish laughter … echoes through the entire internet … claps of thunder!!!!} … The BIG FOAMY FLYING ELVIS HAT!!! If she passes that test, then she will be a keeper for sure, even though I will still be convinced that she is an “Operation Get Jeremy” operative, at least I will know what incredible lengths she will go to, to try to fool me. Obviously I should take advantage of the situation, and use it for the forces of GOOD! This knowledge will most definately come in handy for after the game, or maybe half time, when I am feeling a little frisky. ;8o)