Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Livin' With Evils's - Volume 8

So I come to you today on location from the Taco Bell parking lot in Sanford, Maine. I just finished my extra spicy chicken burrito, and my double decker taco is awaiting the finishing of this blog entry. I am sure that you are wondering why I am sitting here in my Minivan with a laptop, typing out this blog, and it is a good question. It will be answered soon enough. I want everyone to pay attention to this Blog because there will be a quiz after this {I have decided to take that next evolutionary step to make my blog like Laurie’s or Sol's, just because I realize that it is all about "grow or go" and I truly want to get better at this} but of course there will be a story first, because I love to talk about me.

I received the phone call on Sunday, as I do every year, which was basically a whiney tirade about how I never let “The Family" see the kids. “The Family” meaning those people who are related to my ex-wife, and for the time being I am relishing in saying “Not ME”. The very same people who only really like the oldest, but will accept the other two if they can see the oldest. While I am complaining, I shall also point out “The Family” aside from my aunt’s … oh God … say it … say IT … fiancĂ©, never bothered to call on their birthdays over the last few weeks. I of course responded by saying, "You can pick up the kids anytime you wish, I can always use the break" which was my typical way of "Throwing down the Gauntlet" so to say, because I actually live with Greektradgedius Inyiddish, so these amateurs are only going to try, and fail, to get my sympathy. In reality, what they are saying is "Jeremy, we would like you to get out of work, waste all of your gas, bring the kids out here, and then while you are babysitting your own kids for us, you can watch the 17,000 ADHD victims, that all of our drunken friends bring" and the saddest part of all of that is, I don't even think these losers even realized that they missed two of thier grandchildren’s birthdays. I stated "I imagine that I could bring the kids out SO THAT YOU CAN HAVE A BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR THEM, but I am NOT sticking around for it." which was basically because ... A. I don't like these people ... and B. I especially don't like these people drunk. After the terms were agreed on and I planned to have the hostage swap, and come back for them an hour and a half later. Purely based on the fact that the kids deserve to see their “Other Family”, from time to time, even if their “Other Family” doesn’t try to see them. It’s what the “Actual Parent” does. The “Absentee Parent” or “Fun Parent” in kid speak, need only dirty them up, spoil them rotten and let you deal with any of the psychological ramifications. I am ok with that though because in reverse … the kids would be doomed.

Please keep in mind that I have to drive to another state to do all of this. What I learned on the way there is that Avril Levine and Kelly Whatsername {you know that one from Star Search or whatever it is called} both sound like Veruca Salt. I was forced to listen to Radio Disney, and it almost made the drive with no “KoRn CDs” tolerable. The chickens and the peacock kept us company until everyone arrived ... late ... of course. What I learned when “The Mother of All Evils’s” got there was that the, the she (if I am to be totally fair), actually brought birthday presents for the kids that were well thought out. She had a Hermit Crab and all of the supplies. The tank … the rocks … the sponges … the food … some decorations, etc etc for Imtoocutus. It was thoughtful because Imtoocutus is allergic to anything with fur, and she at least thought it out, and got her a pet that she isn‘t allergic too. She had Magnetix (Captain ADHD’s most favorite toys} and a ten dollar bill for Middle Evil to get more if he wanted. Almost made up for not seeing them in 2 months, but her new husbands kids need her, while he is in prison, so I guess I should ... oh hell I still understand her, no matter how hard I try to be fair ... sheesh. It is always hardest for me when I look at the woman I chose to mate with has absolutely no maternal skills, so I will leave it at that. She at least appears (this time) to be teachable, but she fools me often. To also to be fair I will say that my ex looked better than she has in years. I think it had to do with seeing the beautiful Miss Lynn in my profile, and checking out her pictures {for those of you who don't know ... they look like identical twins, but when she found out that Lynn looked younger at only about 19 years or so older I had to listen to her whine for HOURS} she obviously decided to start taking care of herself. Heck my ex only looks a few years older than her now. My blunt nature of course used the opportunity to say “Well she likes herself,” on that day, so she showed up appearing to like herself today. Once again … maybe teachable.

Upon my escape from there, several members of "her" family came over and either grabbed my hand or actually placed thier arms around me, which inspired the tremors of "Ewwww they are touching me .... 10 yard penalty .... personal space violation" which was echoing loudly through my poor head. I immediately proceeded to the nearest Wal-Mart for the express purpose of getting the f*ck out of there, and a power adapter for my van {because I knew this was going to be a lot of typing}. While there I was treated to the "Dayum ... I thank we isn’t related but I'd do ya anyways" treatment from the local flavorings, and managed to escape there with my charger, and my new found "respect" for where I live. Truthfully I had to take a pee, and didn’t want to use their bathroom. I always get that dribble issue, cuz I am in such a hurry there, and don’t tap properly, and a trickle down the leg ruins your … Oops Too much info … sorry … Ok ... I‘m gonna eat this taco and go get the kids ... I should save the rest of this for after the pick up anyway ... brb ....

Ok, I am back at the home base, known as The Casa Di Evils's and I have a couple more things that I have learned ... one that I knew already, but had to have affirmed as usual, and a new ones to add to my repertoire ... First … When you hear the Baha Men on the radio {Radio Disney Rocks}, you can’t help to be happy … period!! Second … The one that every parent out there knows, my children’s most favorite place in the whole wide world is "Anyplace but home!". Usually the kids are screaming bloody murder when they leave anywhere. In these scenarios. it is mostly due to the fact that the kids know they won't see these people again {including thier mother} until those selfish a-holes are good and ready. Probably months, but most importantly, it will happen the next time they decide that I should bend over backwards for it to happen. After all, I obviously owe them. The saddest reality of it all, is that it is a good thing that thier mother brought presents and a cake, because the other 100 or so drunken losers didn't. Before this time, thier mother wouldn't have either, so I guess I should be happy about the baby steps. What breaks my heart is the way Big Evil always says to me "Do I have to go there next time daddy, I don't like the way they treat us", which is not how any child should have to feel about thier own mother and grandparents. I always have to ask her to just keep an eye on her brother and sister for me, and she always does. She has her good points after all. What really broke my heart ,this time, was that the other two felt the same way. Thank God for the Baha Men ;8o)