Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Let's Talk About Sex Baby - Volume 3

mo·nog·a·my… 1 archaic : the practice of marrying only once during a lifetime … 2 : the state or custom of being married to one person at a time … 3 : the condition or practice of having a single mate during a period of time

I am not actually in “preachy” mode, I am doing a blog entry today, at the request of a dear online friend, who’s posts mean a lot to me. Upon her recollection that I had married a lesbian, she had thought it would be good if I talked about, what it was like to be involved in a “threesome” as most men fantasize about it, and often don’t know the ramifications of it. I am going to have another one of these to explain the "dealing with losing a wife, to a woman" some day, but at the time she didn’t know that my experience with this sort of thing went back much further. It led me to the decision to NOT play that game, when it was brought up to me with the last wife, so I am going to {like I always do}, give a somewhat searching and fearless story about my college girlfriend Jennifer. It may be a little disturbing to some, but I guarantee it to be eye opening to many.

I was starting to come into my own, at college, as I was finally remaking the name for myself as a hockey player, as I had once done in High School. My year off between High School and College, hindered me slightly, but I had many drinking demons, and other social ills that needed fixing before I started this chapter of my life. I was also coming off a year and a half break from women entirely, as I was straitening out all of the wreckage of my past. It finally came time for me to simply accept my role as a man with needs, when I started dating one of my classmates . Her name was Charity {and yes the jokes were all around that I would be dating a woman named Charity .. Ha ha ha}, who for the last couple of months of my Freshman year, was a wonderful girlfriend. We parted ways as she had transferred to UVM {she was from Vermont}, amicably, and other than one of her best friends Jennifer, she really has nothing to do with this story. Jen on the other hand, now she is very integral, because she was the epitome of man hating lesbians at school. Well every man except me, I think.

Every man at school would have killed a human to be with Jen, she was tall, blonde, perfect figure, and last I checked with her, she is still a magazine model, as is her {then} girlfriend Emily. All any of us ever knew about her, was that she hated men, for the most part, due to family issues, and I never put up with a moment of her crap. Anytime she would interject her opinions, I would have a snappy comment, that would usually shut her up. She later started calling me God, in retaliation, and most people would have thought we hated each other. The truth, was that we were very secretly falling in love with each other, and toward the end of my courtship of Charity, it was becoming WAY TOO obvious. Charity’s last comment to Jen, as she was leaving to go back to Vermont {as they both told me}, was “Please try to NOT be sleeping with Jeremy the minute I leave”, and we were proud of ourselves for waiting a week.

The irony of the whole situation is that I was living the 21 year old male dream, just without the beer. I was in love with a beautiful {now} bi-sexual woman, who was always encouraging me to have threesomes with her, {also} super-model girlfriend, and I didn’t really understand how my own make-up, couldn’t love one minute of it really. I found all of the experiences to be confusing at best, and emotionally crippling at the worst points of it. I was very much in love with Jen, and in her own way, I was pretty sure that she was in love with me too, but her emotional separations, and my inability to be, was pure hell on me. I never could get over the fact that there was actually another person in the mix, that was sharing all of this, just as intimately, and often more so. The sexual experiences started out as “Oh goodie, I’m confused, can I play too?” and started getting more along the way of “Oh damnit, what’s the point, who cares” and this was adding to the whole suicidal tendencies make-up that I suffered at the end of it.

I talked about the woman {in past blogs} who came to me and told me that she had miscarried, and that she only told me because she had, otherwise she would have gotten an abortion. It was one of the major LIFE ALTERING events which led me to a mental hospital, after a failed suicide attempt. This was the woman, and it only added to the “distrust” that had been going on for months. At this point we had been together over a year, and I was getting pretty sick of the whole “emotional sharing” that was going on. I didn’t realize until after I was entrenched in the emotional scarring that was happening over the miscarriage, that I wasn’t even the only man. Emily {for reasons I think were somewhat noble, although painful} let me in on some dirty little secrets about the two of them, as they had been picking up other men to have their threesomes with, as I had finally started refusing many months before. The baby I had been crying over quite possibly wasn’t even mine.

I did get enraged, and I did throw Jen out of my life instantly, and I did do what almost anyone with a raging case of depression would do at the time. I started sleeping around like a cat, and in the end it was just another deadly symptom of what was going to lead to a permanent solution to a temporary problem. When I had finally given up, and was holed up in a room, after not eating for almost a week, it was Jen who called my best friend Lizzie {also a lesbian … go figure … I am such a “whatever the opposite of Fag Hag” is} and they got me to the mental hospital, where I got the help I needed to survive. I was almost 3 years sober, and I didn’t want to live, and lack of monogamy, played a huge role in it. Some of us are just made for it, and should find it in ourselves to just not sway.

In the defense of Jen, I will say this … she visited me every visitors day, the entire time I was in the hospital. She was loyal, and very much so wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, while I was in there. My acceptance of what we both were, was what led to her being set “free” for lack of a better word, after I got out of the hospital. She has been in a monogamous “female female” relationship, since the week after we broke up, and I think it had everything to do with the experience I just told you all about. I on the other hand am just happy that I have my Polly Pureheart after all of those failed attempts between then and now. I hope this was kinda what you were looking for Rachel, you know I love ya. ;8o)