Thursday, September 15, 2005

Helllooooo Nurse - Volume 1

For those of you that suck nuggets, the term “Heeeeeelloooooooo Nurse” comes from the greatest cartoon ever, the Animaniacs, and I can’t even blame my kids for getting me hooked on that because .. Well I didn’t have kids when that show was new ... Ok now, I started off my day by going to the doctors for my bi-monthly medical procedure. For those who don’t know, I have a ruptured disk in my back from work, and I am trying to recover from it. I go and get a needle shoved into my spine, filled with cortisone and methoxadine, so that it can hopefully heal to good as new. I am a strange case because it doesn’t bother me as much as most people, and it is actually sinking back into the spine, so the doctor is fascinated by me. I am starting to find out that the nurses are fascinated by me too. Usually I go in there, and at least one of the nurses hit’s on me, which is very good for my ego, but my girlfriend happens to be a nurse, so I think it is the scent of another nurse or something like that. Today I was there a whole 20 minutes, and I actually started to think that I wasn’t going to be tempted by Satan, as the nurses were simply ignoring me. I actually thought this, and the second I did, guess what happened. God and that sense of humor again, and this was the worst I have ever remembered. Keep in mind that this would NEVER happen if I was single, so I have learned to laugh it off. My girlfriend in her own rights is a very attractive, funny, WAY MORE intelligent than me woman, and looking at other women might be fun, but touching, tasting, leading them on, is NOT an option, because I like to think I am not stupid today, and she reads the blog … hi sweetie :D

So of course first off the pretty blonde one has to come over and try to keep me company, she had been staring at me around her computer monitor, ever since I thought she wasn‘t going to, and it was time for her to simply sit with me until my actual nurse came along with her trainee. I nervously cracked jokes, because that is what I do, you see. She just ate it all up, no mater how stupid my wisecracks got. I’m glad she gets paid for that, because it must have been torture. In the room where I have to pull down my pants and lie on a bed to get my injection, these other two nurses were talking like I wasn’t even there, because that is what they do you see. The one nurse in training, was asking a lot of dumb questions, and I was starting to get nervous, while the other nurse kept saying things like “No that’s unprofessional”. They started arguing about dimming or raising the lights, so “The Ruling King of Passivogressiveland” {me} had to make a crack, because that is what I do you see. I simply said, “My mother said I would never amount to anything and look at me now. I am laying on a table with my pants down and two attractive nurses fighting over how dim they want the lights,” my humor wasn’t wasted, as they both giggled. The younger of the two walked over and said “Can I tell him that he has a cute butt?” I realized immediately that I had asked for that one, and the other nurse said “No that’s unprofessional, we’ll talk about it after we leave the room,” and the two of them left, giggling. That’s NOT what they usually do, you see.

It was a good visit, I regained one of the two major nerves in my disk, which is a HUGE improvement, as the doctor showed me the X-Ray, from where the purple dye {I love purple BTW} had spread out into the newly formed nerve ending, so I had some good news. I also got to tell the first nurse about my girlfriend on the way out, one of those “My girlfriend is a nurse too” comments, that was a veiled attempt at saying, “I am human, and you are torturing me!” and away I went.

Now the nurse stories don’t end there … My kids had to go to their doctors {Lazius Boycrazius & Captain ADHD … as some of you know Imtoocutus went a couple of weeks ago} and they had separate doctors to go to. I felt pretty safe, because Lazius Boycrazius, was in the other doctor’s office not the one that Imtoocutus had gone to the week before. I went with Captain ADHD because he is only 7 and needs a parent there, and low and behold, the nurse who desperately wanted me to see her bare ring finger the last time I was here, wasn‘t in there today. I still have to say, that watching my pathetic attempt to keep control of my 3 kids, should NOT be attractive to a normal woman, but that one I guess was special. I was relieved because Lazius Boycrazius, couldn‘t get me in trouble, as I was so desperately worried about. She has a pretty big mouth and very bad timing. Imtoocutus let on that the nurse was really “friendly” at the dinner table and I told my grandmother about the “Waving of the ring finger” the whole rest of the time after Imtoocutus said “I don’t have a mommy” so that I could see she was available. Lazius Boycrazius, loves to stir the pot, and because I hide my girlfriend from them {I don’t feel it is right to introduce your kids to girlfriends until, they are DEFINITELY going to be a permanent part of your life yanno .. my thing}, and she is very much so trying to marry her daddy off. So far, so good. Captain ADHD was still doing his impersonation of a pinball bouncing around the room, and running into everything, which is a good thing actually, since the doctor needs to see him in action. The nurse didn’t appear to be hitting on me, but then again, maybe this one actually didn’t find my pitiful ability to parent, all that endearing … she might just be normal.

To Superdaddyman’s absolute horror, the nurse from Imtoocutus’s visit comes walking in with … oh no … my oldest, and nosiest, {CRAP SHE WAS WORKING ON THE OTHER SIDE AND THEY WERE ALONE TOGETHER!!}, but there is no way that Big Evil could have ever known that … oh no … they both have evil grins on their faces. Grinning women staring at you {even when they are almost 13} is NOT a good sign, it usually means collusion, and Big Evil is one of the fouding members of “Operation Get Daddy“ after all. The nurse told me that I have a lovely daughter, and then leaned over to her and said “Yes I think your daddy is a very good looking boy, and you can tell him I am not married sweetie“ … {MY BIG F*CKING MOUTH … and I think I will just stare at this wall while I turn a much prettier shade of red than usual} I shall probably survive this one, the nurse seemed to take it rather well, even if her finger was less conspicuously place on her clip board, I obviously got the point, so she needed not to remind me anymore. Lazius Boycrazius, just stated matter-of-factly “Her name is Donna, and her son Brian goes to school with me,” and stared at me for the reaction that didn’t come because I was still pretending to be really interested in the fruits and vegetables chart on the wall. The doctor told me that we can put Captain ADHD on the “Anti-Depressant” based ADHD medication but he wants me to consult the school first, which means more dealings with the guidance councilor today … time for my version of the “Serenity Prayer” … God grant me the courage to change the things I cannot accept … DAMNIT …;8o)