Thursday, September 22, 2005

Deadly Sins Therapy - Volume 6

Oh geeze … I am in a quandary today, as I have hardly anything funny to talk about. I mean there is a minor offensive going on in the “Operation Get Daddy” front as TOKE {The Terrorist Organization Known as the Evils’s} are rallying a minor offensive, with the intent on plan codenamed “Trample Daddy’s Love Life”, but at this point it is merely a talked about point, and the true attack will not happen until Saturday night. That being said, it would hardly take up enough blog space, and I am not going to bother printing it to blog, if it isn’t mind numbingly long. My style yanno? The other part of my life that seems to be heating up is in the Pink Mafia, as Pope George … oops … sorry … King George … is now fascinated by the term “co-dependant”, and since his home life was all “Leave it to Beaver” it isn’t as easy to explain, as one would think. I still have to wait on that one, until I have a true outcome. I have “fill in” entries that I plan to use on the days that I can’t get up the inspiration to write, or I am out of town for the day, but all of those are my morose ones, “My name is Jeremy and I am a Drunk - Volume Whatevah“ types, and I really need a funny one today.

So I realized that it is up to me to try to create a little chaos that, otherwise wouldn’t come across naturally. The easiest way to do that is to go downtown, grab a coffee, and watch the business skirts as they walk by. No good EVER comes of that, and past experience has often taught me that I either do something humiliating, or run into someone humiliating, or both. I will admit that I got there at the perfect time too, about 4:10, when all the offices let out, so I was getting scenery to beat the band. Anklets are still in by the way {goodie}, and my desperate plea’s to God that the stockings with the lines up the back start becoming “the rave“ again, hasn’t quite been answered yet, but it gives me something to look forward too huh? After all praying usually works {goofy grin}, so I will continue to do so .. I probably should pause a moment here, for any of you who are harbored under the false delusion that I am NOT a pervert. I actually am, I just usually don’t take it out on other people … ok back to the important stuff. I was just starting to seriously enjoy the new spaghetti strap style shoes that the ladies were sporting these days {man do I love those}, when a somewhat familiar voice came along out of nowhere. Oh sh*t, it was the last thing I wanted interfering with my pervert circus, my sponsor, and I haven’t exactly been speaking to him a lot, well … um … at all really, we were having a rather nice e-mail dialogue these days over a blog I attempted to write that went awry {forcing me to send it to his e-mail box instead of publishing it … lol}, but beyond that we really just see each other at meetings.

“Well I’ve been meaning to talk to you about your little past issues, that you sent to me in an e-mail, but a phone call would have been nice,” which was not to well accepted, I mean can’t this guy understand that I have blogging to do, I haven’t got time for all of that sobriety talk. Didn’t he read the blog … sheesh. Well the reality of it is, when I first got sober I did what most people do, I either didn’t talk to my sponsor, or I talked to him when I needed to bitch and whine, as time progressed and I got whicked well {ok … hold comments until you read the rest}, I just started to call when I did something brilliant, or spiritually enlightening, or just plain good to brag about. I would then expect my kudos, and go about my way {maybe I should change the title of this blog from “Mental Notes!” to “Jeremy’s Sponsor”, now there is a thought! … damnit … out loud again … ack}, which would then be brought to my attention that I was full of crap, or hiding something, and then I could refocus my resentment on where it belonged … that “Evil Evil Man” with the mind reading abilities.

Time of course progresses, the middle steps have been fulfilled {for some of us twice … I went back and did them honestly after a few more years}, and the whole concept of a sponsor, just escapes us. Ok … it escaped me, to be honest, but I know I am not the only one, we are never alone. It is so much easier to talk about life in general when you want to be a part of it after all. At the moment, I was sitting here enjoying scenery, which was pretty much the plan, and getting into my feelings would be an interference to that, after all. He wasn’t actually worried about me, since I have been through a lot more sober than a lot of people have drunk, my program is strong enough to keep me sober through anything. My alcoholism goes treated everyday. Often I am reminded of things I “omitted” and often I bring them right back to the table and spread them out, often other times it takes a little nudge. The past anger that I felt over that “incident” 14 years ago, really isn’t as bad as it sounds, and for the most part I have been totally honest about every facet of it except the worst of them all. To this day I still have a hard time NOT laughing, or getting a feeling of excitement over the death of a fellow alcoholic. Still sick, out experimenting, and very very much out of control. I hated that person with every fabric of my being, and at that time I didn’t have the sobriety or serenity to accept his disease, and move on. I see these behaviors in others now, and I am NOT well enough at this state of the game either. The good news for ME is I felt no joy talking about all of that today with my sponsor. I didn’t feel any remorse, and I might have felt a sense of closure. Of course I can always take my sh*t back at a moments notice too, after all I am recovered only from my “hopeless” state of mind and body, not the mind and body, which can often still be sick. Perhaps there will be a blog about getting thrown out of the sober club some day after all. Just not today. So as I sit here buttoning this up because it took forever, I missed a ton of blogs today, but I will catch up on the weekend … I always do. Well I also have some good news! One of my 360 friends made up for this horrible invasion of my pervert time by making 3 photo galleries full of the stuff and even named it “for Jeremy“, now I might have more time for my sponsor … ok … maybe. ;8o)