Friday, September 30, 2005

And The Merry Go Round Broke Down - Volume 4

“Alcohol gave me the wings to fly, and then it took away the sky … God gave me the legs to walk, and then showed me to the steps“. That is my favorite line from my sponsor to this day, as I sit here, and ponder the whole question that is often asked of me now-a-days which is simply put, “Why don’t you talk about alcoholism more in your blog?”, and this is often given with some sort of adage to either play on my ego, or try to create some feeling of shame. I actually have neither as far as my program is concerned. I did everything wrong {except drink} for a long time, and I somehow survived it. I haven’t had a drink of alcohol in over 16 years, and I haven’t touched an illegal narcotic in far longer. I walk around with no shame over what I am or how I got here, yet I look at my friends list and I see so many other pages devoted to alcoholism, that I think that base is covered quite well, so I never really feel the need to wax poetic about what I read in the big book, or what I learned at a meeting, but I do have something I want to share, which qualifies as an answer to two points that were brought up, “What about those that read you and could use something?”, and “What about, what you do to stay sober?”, and here is something I found the other day, that is kinda funny, and rather interesting based on what is going on around me these days.

I have 8 friends in the FOBW room who relapsed within the last month, don’t ask, I’ll never tell you, but out of them I note that there are two I disowned, and the other 6 I talk to in one form or another everyday. I am not one to really get a Jones about this stuff, it happens, and it is quite simply a case of untreated alcoholism. Some people simply put down the steps of recovery, and move on to the steps of relapse, and that is their choice. I have worked many of those steps myself, and I am fortunate that I was given people to point out to me that I was sick, or I was struck dumb by God, and came to that conclusion myself somehow. I was playing around in the old IRC rooms, and I had my old copy of Pirch out, and this was the script I used to use for “The 12 Steps of Relapse”, it’s kinda funny really … as it relates a lot these days … this actually goes back 3 marriages ago, and before I had a single child …

1. We admitted that it was horribly unfair that we couldn’t drink, and missed that unmanageability.
2. Came to believe that God is probably in on the plot.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives back to ourselves, f*ck yea I am God.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of everyone else.
5. Admitted to all of our friends, especially ourselves, and to the person who we are pointing the finger at the exact reason it’s their fault.
6. Were desperate to have the people we blame accept their responsibility, and tell us we are right.
7. Humbly grew some more shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all people we personally believed harmed us, and became willing to trash them.
9. Demanded direct amends from such people, and of course, threatened, whined, and lied.
10. Continued to take persons inventory, and we damn well knew when THEY were wrong.
11. Sought through slander, and probably medications to improve our inter personal relations in an attempt to take others with us.
12. Having completely learned nothing, except what we always believed anyway, we carry our own version of the message to others and hope they accept us as cured.

Put down the toys, and pick up the tools, was often bandied around, as I remember it. If you see any of THIS TREND starting, it is quite possibly time that you do something about it. The last thing on earth that I ever want to hear is a phone call after a crippling relapse, aside from a phone call from a loved one of that person telling me they are dead. It beats the hell out of no phone call at all, anyway. I like to keep in mind that the people in my life were put there for a reason, and I am VERY fortunate of all of the 12 step work I have the “privilege” of doing online as well. There is probably a reason for it, and it might be my acceptance of fallibility as well as anything else I own. Despite all of those wonderful issues that I glut out day by day inside of my little Blogosphere, I demonstrate in a general way, what it is like to be a human being, and not simply a human doing. For this I have nothing but gratitude, and to all of my friends who are in trouble, or in pain, or even just afraid to be alone, let me say this to all of you. I promise you never have to be again … I love you all, and you better know it ;8o)