Tuesday, August 9, 2005

Things you learn with a Bad Back - Volume 4

Ok this isn’t going to be exactly what you expect from the whole back problem saga, but it is definitely something I learned from the whole experience that might be enlightening to many of you. You see, I have to go to physical therapy two times a week, and the things I have picked up there are amazing, if a little off topic. I’ll start with the most amusing of them, and work my way to strangest. Now my physical therapist is a woman, and so is her assistant, and of course they are both gorgeous, the obvious tragedy that one goes through in these circumstances is “Oh my God … Hottie Touching me Syndrome”.

Now for those of you who don’t grasp the whole “OMG-HTMS”, I must first say …. Get out more damnit!, and then move on to a brief explanation for those shut ins who are totally afraid of women, and or gay. This is a common problem amongst most of us men that usually permeates in the great need to … well … not roll over, when instructed to by your therapist, or even the desire to not stand up, to go over to the exercise bike. This might not be quite as humiliating as when you were in 6th grade and the teacher asked you to come up to the blackboard, and you have realized that the little general is standing at attention, since you have learned very many shifting methods. I of course learned the shifting methods around 19 years old, when I got sober and was going to sober dances. This of course was a different set of circumstances that was caused by many years of heavy drinking, that had forced the “little general” to hide in a foxhole. So needless to say, nowadays I have at the very least accepted that the “little general” salutes whomever he damn pleases whenever, but it can still be an awkward and painful revelation, when he’s come out to play. My therapist still wonders why I stopped wearing sweats, and wear jeans to therapy now of course, but that’s our little secret … ok? I probably should have made this entry "Let's Talk About Sex Baby - Volume 2", but some of the best is yet to come still.

Another interesting development in my existence stems from the fact that all of the magazines that they have are women’s magazines, but I have taken to thumbing through them out of sheer boredom to discover something wonderful. You see, when a man goes out to buy a men’s magazine they are usually full of pictures of half naked women, in alluring positions, so that we can …. Well …. enjoy looking at them. This is an age old tradition that stems back to the Marilyn Monroe days, and most women have learned to accept it. They call us pigs, and go about their day. I have found something out, and I still haven’t gotten a very good explanation on it, so I will give a few opinions later. Women’s magazines are filled with WAY HOTTER WOMEN … less dressed, and in equally as provocative positions. I mean, seriously now, there have been some of these “respectable” women’s magazines that the therapist has had to practically drag my droolin’ ass away from, so that she can touch me. Now that I put it that way …. Cool! Still it invites my confusion as to whether women like looking at hot women and are in denial over it, or if their mentalities refuse to allow, normal looking women to sell them things, or give them advice. I don’t care really, when it all gets down to it, I am just absolutely thrilled that I can be a total pervert in disguise while looking “sensitive” and “understanding to a woman’s wants and needs” at the same time. Thanks Helen Girlie Brown … you’re my new hero. Besides I have also learned a few new ways to cook chicken that I am dying to try out this week.

Now the most amazing thing that I learned was today, when I went to the therapist’s and my usual therapist was off for the day, and there was a new specialist there for today’s session, and for the record … Yes she was far hotter than my normal therapist as well. I was doing my usual passive aggressive humor routine for her the whole way through. Those of you that truly know me know that I am a stray comment away from some really good comedy at times. When the session was over This “substitute” therapist wanted to make sure that I was coming back on Friday, because she was taking over for my normal therapist on that day too. After I told her that I was actually she told me flat out, “It’s nice to have a guy here who uses humor instead of anger to get through embarrassing situations with women,” and gave me a big smile. I didn’t even have a witty retort for that, and I could feel the skin on my face burning. Of course I could still feel my jeans a little tighter than they were when I got there too. I guess I’m not so smart, but I did learn how damn easily I can be read by women, even if I think I am just the bees knees, and the greatest mystery since Sherlock Holmes. ;8o)