Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Things You Learn From Your Ex Wife's Girlfriend - Volume 4

So I get one of those dreaded phone calls today. The caller ID on my cell phone says that I am getting a call from … well as she is listed in my address book …. “Oh God” which means that the ex wife is up to something as I am thinking to myself. The phone of course asks “Answer the phone call?” with two choices “Yes or No” which isn’t very fair. A “Maybe” or a “What the Hell” would probably be much better choices at this moment, but I have to decide, it’s on the third ring after all. Out of courtesy, and my daughters upcoming birthday, I decide to answer the phone. I press the little “Yes” button, and respond with my usual waning “What do you want?”

The voice on the other end of the phone was not the usual one that I get when I answer a phone that says “Oh God” and it surprised me to hear “Geeze, you do answer the phone like an a-hole,” followed by “Is there someone named Jeremy attached to that whiny voice?” and I knew that I had been called by the “Silent Bob” of my little lesbian convention. “Well I was expecting a woman looking for something I probably didn’t have,” I said to that last comment, which of course was followed by “Well that is why she has me now anyway” followed by that laugh that I am quite used to when talking to anyone who outmatches me in sarcasm, and let’s face it, this is the master.
“Ok, I am calling to ask about your daughters birthday. I don’t know what to get her for a gift, and you know who isn’t being much help. I haven’t even got a niece or anything, and if you haven’t I wasn’t exactly the type to play with girl toys growing up.” which again was followed by laughter, but this was her “uncomfortable” laugh as she had shown me during those times when I have caught her checking out more masculine scenery downtown.

“Well I dunno, why don’t you just pretend that it’s one of your friends, and go to the toy department at Wal-Mart or something, it isn’t that hard shopping for a 5 year old since she will probably more excited about the box it came in anyway,” which was pretty quick to realize that I had probably made a stupid remark of some sort, because she had that uncomfortable laugh again, as she chortled out, “I think you would be offended if I gave your 5 year old a 12 Inch Fluorescent Green Vibrator, that is really loud when it is turned on, since that’s what I give my friends for toys” my face was bright red and of course I was standing out in the smoking area at the time (I knew it was red because everyone told me), and she even added to it by saying, “She told me that saying something like that would leave you speechless,”

“Well I will have you know that I know a lot about BOBs from hanging out in chat rooms thank you very much,” was the first thing I said back while trying to hide my face, and that was a big mistake, as she had never heard that term before, and wanted details. Of which I tried to do as softly as possible, only to have her going, “What I can’t hear you … huh?” the whole time.

This woman happens to be the most incredibly outspoken “Log Cabin Coalition” member I have ever met. She is ardently “Pro Life” and she actually very outspoken against “Gay Adoption”, which shocks a lot of people that I actually disagree with her on the adoption one anyway. We have argued that point many times, and she might even be right, but like any right wing wacko hardhead, she’ll never break me as to whether I am starting to agree with her or not. The other most interesting argument that she has had on the “Gay Adoption” issue really comes into play here you see, as she is plainly pointing out to me something she has said a million times at least. She has absolutely NO maternal instincts, and if she did (as she would tell you) then the actual act that leads to making a baby would be appealing to her. In this circumstance she is obviously very nervously trying to get to the point that she doesn’t have a clue as to how she fits into Imtoocutus’s life in general much less how to express any sort of greetings. I asked her outright “Are you nervous to be there?”

“Oh f*** yeah! You don’t even know what I am going through. I know some of your family doesn’t want me there, and worse than that your former in-laws that are going to be there definitely don’t!” which was very strange, because as closed minded as I have always been I figured her to be the “kiss my ass if you don’t like me” type.

“Well first of all, as far as her family is concerned, I know exactly what you are going through. I was the older pervert, who is going to force his kids on her, before you came along. Now they are all dying to be at my daughters birthday party, so I guess that changed,” was my first reply, while I took a moment to think up the best response for the second (those of you who have talked to me in real life, know how I contemplate what I say, as I always have my foot jammed in my mouth, I have learned) and what came out was, “As far as my family is concerned, my daughter wants you there, and I kinda like having you around, so they can get over it,” which I think is what the whole phone call was really about anyway, because she kinda took the ball from there.

“Well I guess I could just get her some more clothes then, since I already know her size, and throw some McDonalds gift certificates on them,” and she promptly pretended to lose the connection, which is what I probably would have done as well. Later on in the day, while I was on my way home to write this entry, I got a call from “Oh God” and it was “Oh God” …. Oh rats …. But she was happy to tell me that I made her current’s day, and that she would like to pay for all the pizza’s at Imtoocutus’s birthday party (thank God I barely had enough to pay for those woooohoooooooo) and the two of them are coming over tonight to get her for a glamorous make over (at a salon, not the spiky red hair thing they do thank GOD)

It’s hard to believe that I now after 35 years of being on this Earth, the last 16 of which sober, and I finally have an ex-wife (and an ex girlfriend too while I am bragging about me) that I can call friends, and can have a good relationship with. Whoever thought that it would be possible? Trust me, on this end, it feels weird as all hell. Sooner or later I will try to have a talk with the ex’s current and try to figure out how she does fit into all this. I mean none of the children are biologically linked to her or my ex, but my ex was very good to them, the best she possibly could be. So in reality she isn’t a step mom, and well the kids couldn’t cope with her being a step dad either {laughing like mad as I typed that}. In a lot of ways I will just tell her to be a friend, like my ex is, and don’t complicate anything, and I thank God that she already understands that. ;8o)