Sunday, August 28, 2005

Livin' With Evils's - Volume 6

Oh a wonderful day at the amusement park, with three wild animals that I had to take, or else I would have been an awful parent. The company sponsored this little shindig, and I thought that it would be sheer hell due to the fact that I couldn’t just pick one of the kids up when they got out of hand and throw them over my shoulder. You see as a work function, the people who would love nothing more than to catch me breaking my lifting restrictions happened to be all around me, at the moment. I originally asked if I could bring a friend with me to carry Captain ADHD around by his hair if he decided that he was going to climb up the roller coaster and the answer was no, but I still figured, free amusement park, free food, no kids would equal bad daddy for sure. This all was the least of my problems, and I really should have assessed the situation far better before I decided to throw on my cape and boots and do a Superdaddyman special guest appearance, especially in front of all of the people I work with.

The most notable change between this year and last year is that Captain ADHD is now exactly 49 inches tall, so this qualifies him for all of the big people rides. Imtoocutus unfortunately is only a peanut, at 40 so she and I got to sit down a lot while Captain ADHD, and Lazius Boycrazius would assault new things like the roller coaster … well um … Captain ADHD was too scared for that actually, so they went off to the flying bobs, which was right up his alley. Unfortunately, that was probably the ride that Lazius Boycrazius, ended up losing Greektradgedius Inyiddishes Cell Phone which Superdaddyman thought would be good for her to have so that we could …. Well get the hell away from each other, and still be able to stay in touch. Did I mention that this was the first ride, and she already lost a 150$ cell phone? I of course thought I was going to cry my brains out, because Greektradgedius Inyiddish was going to pout, and whine, and fall to the floor kicking into the worst rendition of the 2 year old drop ever known to this earth, when she found out that her cell phone was gone. For those of you who don’t know who Greektradgedius Inyiddish is … shame on you … read my damn blog more often.

Now a 76 year old woman, who had actually stolen that phone from me in the first place, and was still living off of my 30 or so dollars of prepaid airtime, you would probably think would probably accept these things, perfectly reasonably. Well this is what makes you reality disaffiliated and not me. You see I understand the reverse maturity process because I live it every day. The moment she had co-opted that phone from me it became a part of a reality that an old lady could only understand as MINE MINE MINE, and yes it really does resemble that of a totally irrational 3 year old. I may own this house, for example, but everything I bring into it, or already have had on the property, before during or after her tentative stay here at the Casa De Evils’s is now officially hers, and yes she does whine a little when she says it. Kinda reminds me of Yoda, when he stole the flashlight from Luke in The Empire Strikes Back. So I now had to deal with three little evils’s all day knowing that I had to come home to face a really big evil, who is going to pile 8 gajillion pounds of guilt on me. Ok feels like a Saturday.

I really never had the opportunity to notice how calm Captain ADHD can be when he is actually under the influence of his Adderol either. He was rather easy to deal with for a good chunk of the day. Imtoocutus on the other hand was none to happy about being excluded from the cool rides, and was going to make that known. She nagged to go on every single big people ride till we found one that would take her if she was with Superdaddyman, defender of the poor innocent little evils’s, so we had to go on it. You see the problem here is that I didn’t really research this one to well. It was a new ride called “The Boston Tea Party” and I was thinking, well how Patriotic, had cute little pictures of revolutionary war stuff, and a very short line that was moving very fast. We were all excited, and just gingerly walked through the roundabouts till we got into the …. Um … boat I guess you would call it. The ride went up a very steep climb, and then took a long winding turn until you were at the very top of a super large drop. At the bottom was an awful lot of water, and when we hit it, the water flew up about 50 feet in the air and totally covered us, and all of the people on the bridge leaving the ride. I was soaked to the bone, and as we passed under the bridge a steady waterfall on each side, simply coated what little dry parts you have left. This was at 1pm, and I was drenched with much more fun ahead of me.

Now as the day was wearing on, we were inundated with cheesy NH style amusement park talent, like the Britney Spears, and Elvis look a likes. Now mind you, a fat Hispanic woman who looks about 35, wearing fishnet thigh highs and a bustiere doesn’t really pass as a good Britney Spears clone, to begin with, but telling me to accept the black man playing Elvis was probably pushing it too. The classic Szarahism to come out of all of that was when she looked at me and said “Britney Spears is a much different type of ho daddy”, and that one really ranked up there with the comment she made after Janet Jackson’ wardrobe malfunction at the Super Bowl {I was humiliated because my daughter (at the time 11) was sitting next to me, and she simply looked around at everyone there and said “I told you Janet Jackson was so last decade that she would do anything to be noticed again”} which is one of the advantages of having her around sometimes. Captain ADHD was starting to get over his meds, and Imtoocutus was obviously suffering from “lack of nap syndrome” to boot, but Lazius Boycrazius, wasn’t too happy with not having someone to go on her rides with her.

I finally put the word out that they each got to pick one more ride, because at this time we had been here for over 6 hours, and I had had enough of all of the codependent women in this joint by now. I will never understand how a sick woman can look at an inept man with 3 kids, who is borderline making a fool out of himself in public, and being passive aggressive just to get by, has to stare at him all dreamy like. I mean, I realize that it is the goal of most women to be a savior to someone, until they get bored with them, but come on, I truly am the most pitiful looking thing ever when I am out in public with my kids. Show some self respect ladies. The second to last ride we went on had a huge line, and the whole time, the railings had become a more intriguing part of the ride than the ride. I had no way in hell of keeping any of these three under control, and it really did look like a 3 stooges marathon, with little hope. 1 Kicks, 2 Cry, 1 Whines … it was becoming unbearable, and everywhere I looked staring. Not that typical staring I get when I am without kids … the “Man is that man a Crack Head or what?” it was definitely the stereotypical, “Oh my God, they could ruin my whole life while I try to fix them …. GOODIE” stare that really gives me the creeps.

So after all of our fun had withered away, I dragged my incredibly grateful children, kicking and screaming from the park, as they shouted such wonderfully loving, joyful things like, “You hate us!” and “You never want us to have any fun!!”, and “Can you get me a Cell Phone so I don’t have to borrow and lose other peoples?”, and we crawled into the Yiddle bus to drive away to that happy place we call hole sweet hell, or the Casa Di.Evils’s ;8o)