Monday, August 15, 2005

Livin' With Evils's - Volume 4

A very funny song from my favorite play has lines in it that relate to today’s Blog. “Why did the kids put beans in their ears? How can they hear with beans in their ears?” and another one that states “Why did the kids put Jam on the cat? Strawberry Jam all over the cat?” but this cute little song from “The Fantastix” (yet another one of the overused Romeo and Juliet rip offs that you find on Broadway, but I like it) gives you the answer at the end of every verse you see when it says “The minute that you say NO!” The two fathers singing this duet, walk around with confused looks, as they sing this song, and it is especially humorous to those that understand how the word “No” either means nothing, or it means “Oh hell yeah I gotta try that!“ Please feel free to start reminiscing about the wonderful times you have had with your children before you read any further, because it will probably make it all that much easier to relate. For those of you that don’t have children, and are looking forward to it some day let me preface today’s “Livin with Evils’s” with a simple statement … “Are you f***ing Nuts?”

Ok so the saga of the evils’s continues with a little update on a day in the life of Superdaddyman … defender of the evils’s, and his quest to just make it another 13 years and disappear, with the knowledge that these evil bastahds are society’s problem, and I am driving many many miles away in my Winnebago! They can do what they want with the house and the Great Grandmother, cuz I am not leaving any evidence that I ever existed. For those of you who don’t believe me on that one, ask any of them, I have been training them to deal with my disappearance for years.

My weekends start and end the same just about any week. I wake up Saturday morning to loud screaming, that is rife with insults and blame, that require me to referee a debate of insane people. I end the weekend by placing angry evils’s into bed, as they try heatedly to come up with every reason on Earth as to why they should stay up longer, not having a clue that they are right on the cusp of going to bed earlier the next night. The stuff that happens in between all of this always changes but has the same results in every scenario, more anger, frustration, and distrust to be carried over to the next weekend.

A typical day for Superdaddyman has his many common duties, such as going to work (so that I can bring home food that they won’t eat because it interferes with their talking over each other at the dinner table), cleaning the house (so that the kids have something to do, following around behind me, messing up everything I just cleaned), making dinners (so as I said before I can watch the “show” while I try to eat), and of course refereeing the many struggles that happen throughout all of this. Every weekend adds new items to my list of daily chores, when I am dealing with wild animals and future super villains.

As of this weekend I can now add bathroom supervisor to the list. This has been an ongoing struggle that is getting me nowhere, so like most parents I have had to add another inane task to my day. Captain ADHD you see can no longer be trusted alone in the bathroom, thanks to his inability to be in there alone with Talcum Powder. I don’t know if it is a hard fought battle with some evil creature in the toilet that desperately needs to be vanquished with his white volcano of doom, or some phobia that he has come across that full cans of talcum powder in general are evil, but I have failed in my attempts thus far to stop this behavior. I don’t see how losing TV, going to bed early, not getting desert, spankings, and every other conceivable way of punishing him, is not enough to take care of the absolute seduction of dumping entire cans of Talc in the damn toilet! This of course could be solved a lot easier if Greektradgedius Inyiddish would just assist me a little in say … I don’t know … maybe … putting the stupid Talc UP??? Any attempts to that route lead to the guilt trip of how I should understand that 174 year old women can’t be expected to learn these things, and 6 year old boys should be taught better. So of course I have to do the path of least resistance now, and simply stand in the bathroom while “Middle Evil” takes a poop. How could I possibly be cranky that this interferes with my chat time?

While we are on that subject, I happen to have a daughter “Imtoocutus” who will NEVER flush the toilet. She tries to act as though she didn’t do it (which is easily disproved by what my son once pointed out as “That was BINA!! Nobody on Earth poops that big!!”), followed by acting all cute and forgetful, and then she of course runs off to flush the toilet. Well sorry, I should add after dumping all of the shampoo in the toilet, and THEN flushing the toilet. People out there wonder why I have a fascination with toilet humor, and bathroom talk, well hey, it’s life to me. Wait until I talk about what happens when the food doesn’t make it to that end, and then you will have a grievance, but that will be a different edition of Livin’ with Evils’s. Back to the topic at hand, while it is still way out of the realm of possibility that “Whickid Big Evil” will be able to put the Shampoo … yanno … UP, where the damn Talc should be, I am forced now to stand in the bathroom and watch the 4 year old take a poop. Keep in mind loyal readers that ANYTHING a 4 year old is doing takes 14 times longer, especially with an unwilling audience. Before you say it, it is NOT in the realm of possibility, that I can simply come home and put these things up myself to save time because, Greektradgedius Inyiddish will follow me around at every turn putting things back in the wrong place whining about “This is my house too”, so I don’t bother anymore.

Now the last one, as you have probably read in the Blogs previous, isn’t going to throw things in the toilet, or the trash, or anywhere that isn’t going to make me less disgusted so unfortunately, she gives me other reasons to have to watch her bathroom behavior, and thankfully the only thing it has to do with a toilet, is that I think that is where she sits when she is supposed to be taking a shower. We are going on about a year now, of someone having to go upstairs and make sure that she has taken a damn shower. Lazius Boycrazius, has her moments I’ll tell ya but the stubbornness that she obviously loves so much, actually leads to far more work than actually doing what she is told. Now mind you, the thought of her Boy Repellant wafting into a room before she does, actually makes me happy at times, but having to actually go into the bathroom when she has supposedly taken a shower to find, dry soap, dry toothbrush, unopened shampoo, dry towel, etc etc etc, makes me have to wonder, why just sit there with the water running for 20 minutes? Hell at least when I was her age I used it as an opportunity to smoke! She uses it as an opportunity to stare at the shower curtain. I have told her so many times before that she is gonna have to find something she is good at cuz it ain’t getting away with things. She gets that from her mom by the way {said with a grin} and come to think of it their mother might still be around if she had ever learned to accept or say “No” too. ;8o)