Monday, August 1, 2005

Livin' With Evils's - Volume 2


Now there are some things in this world that you would think would be a given. I tell my kids every single day the exact same things and they seem to try to play the “I dunno” card whenever they feel it is available to them. The youngest of my children (Imtoocutus) is going through this phase right now where she has decided that she doesn’t really care about other peoples feelings. This is a right that comes to her from A. Being born … B. Being cuter than the other two kids … and C. Being spoiled rotten by the adults in disguise that I am forced to also deal with. Now mind you what further complicates the whole evil incarnate aspect of my life is the inclusion of my Grandmother {the evils’s great grandmother ... Code Name "Whickid Big Evil" ... phylum "Greektradgedius Inyiddish"}who really has helped Imtoocutus to develop into an incredibly rotten little girl at times.

Now as I try to teach Imtoocutus to jump through the simple hoop of “common decency” she has decided to muckle on to the one thing that truly will get under my skin. The feelings of a very old woman, who will use anything that hurts her feelings as the Poetry of yet another Greek Tragedy written in Yiddish, and performed by a cast of Jewish mothers. A simple observation of “you’re fat” brought on by little evil, of course erupted into a good 3 days of “and everything I have done for you and your kids over the last few years” and choruses of “I should just move on to the next life after this one” which of course makes that wonderful torture we call “dinner” around here all that much more enjoyable. Imtoocutus, of course only has “I don’t care” as her favorite response to anything that resembles a lecture on tact or feelings.

Enter Captain ADHD to the rescue. Ididntdooit as his phylum dictates is the purveyor of all that is good and righteous in this world (as long as it doesn’t interfere with what HE wants, or has to do with anything he does) and was dying for the opportunity to rid the world of Little Evil. He has now taken to punching the little one whenever she does something that hurts “his” feelings. These things include such awful acts as, looking at him, breathing on him, talking to loud, or using the words “pickle” or “sunshine”. He also has a tendency to use one of his other wonderful super powers, which to the untrained ear sounds a lot like screaming. Of course this is usually only used at the dinner table when he has the rest of us hostage. I never knew I could eat as fast as I have learned to over the last 3 years. If there was an olympic sport for eating, the USA would have it every year thanks to ME!

Now of course the phylum better known as Lazius Boycrazius, is always at the ready to steer any of these minor trifles toward total Nuclear Armageddon should they appear to be trickling out. Her favorite one now is to simply tell Captain ADHD what evil has been going on behind his back. That usually will provide many wonderful hours of entertainment for her, and a good reason to call many of the wonderful young men that she talks to everyday. You know who they are people, the ones who when you say, “She can’t come to the phone right now,” want to argue with ME about it! Most of those arguments turn into “Ask your father, if you have one about me,” since being one of the areas most volatile characters over the last two decades does have some advantages. These of course are the guys who weren’t at the last school dance where “Szarah’s father was the angry looking one in the muscle shirt!” became a lexicon in the school dictionary.

So now I sit here writing my Blog, enjoying that quiet time before the evil lil’ creeps get home from camp, and ponder that wonderful day (13 years and 24 days from now, but who’s keeping count) that I leave that last footprint (followed by a resentment) on my littlest ones ass, and hop in my Winnebago. I will be heading out west with nobody behind being able to find me. They can do what they want with the house, because they don’t know about the one in Florida, and I am keeping it that way. ;8o)