Thursday, August 18, 2005

Let's Talk About Sex Baby - Volume 2

So this is what my life has come to, talking dirty to myself in a Blog that is starting to get out of control. For those of you who had hoped this thread would simply wither on the vine, all I can say is, there's always hope. Today’s venue is all about “channel surfing for perverts,” as I had noticed that it still fascinated me, when I commented on a friends Blog. This is actually an easy one since I have no pride whatsoever {See Deadly Sins Therapy Volumes 1 and 2 for better explanations}, and have never minded humiliating myself in public either. You see when this friend {The Silly Princess Out West} was talking about her home shopping addictions, I found many fond memories of my “pervert surfing” surfaced, thus forcing me to have to elaborate in Blog form as I usually do. Please keep in mind that this Blog entry like all others is for educational purposes and if followed to the letter of law, will most definitely make you a really sick Son of a Bitch like the author. You have been warned before you proceed any further.

It was probably about 9 years ago when I noticed this wonderful channel called “QVC” on the television. I was thoroughly entrenched in the first marriage, and I was working nights at the time (6pm to 6am 3 ½ days a week) which left me alone at home quite a bit. Mind you, that despite my ex-wife’s wonderful foreplay ideas such as “I guess I don’t get sex tonight?” or other classics like “Perhaps you can warm me up first?” and “Are you really gay?” , I like most unhappily married men learned the art of “Do unto yourself as you would wish to do unto others” This art did require fantasy material, since the “Whickid Bitch of the East” wasn’t really revealing the goodies without me working far too hard for it first. This was before I had found my new love of internet porn, and keep in mind I still search the channels every morning before I can even crawl out of bed. I can’t even ponder a night (ok I can … the rare occasions that I am not sleeping alone duh) when I can make it past Mary Beth Roe, Jaque Gonzales, or Lisa Mason (if you are into eyes, then don’t miss this one either), who all have absolutely mesmerized me with nearly perfect legs. If they aren’t on, then a quick flip over to HSN might get you a great view of Colleen Lopez, Connie Craig, Judy Crowell (who was my original QVC infatuation, but was stolen by HSN … good score guys), or even Lynn Murphy. Honorable mentions go out to Lisa Robertson and Jayne Brown of QVC who are nice to look at but rarely show their legs, and Shannon Smith and Shinan Sarva of HSN who have NEVER shown their legs …. teases. Aside from all of the hot models that are usually showing off the clothes, it’s perverted entertainment galore, but don’t forget the many guest appearances of Rhonda Sheer, who is now selling … you guessed it … pantyhose! Woooohooooooo!

Now I am not just favorable to the shopping channels either, in the mornings when there is some guy, or one of the teases that never wear skirts, you can always start cruising the infomercials. Comedy Central, and Spike TV are always the ones showing the really risqué ones in the morning. I used to really like the Girls Gone Wild ones, up until they started thinking that making them climb poles or jump through inner tubes doing the stupid “Girls Gone Wild Games” were worth my 5 minutes of morning drooling. I wish they would come out with some new ones for Christ’s sake. Besides, if I wanted lesbian sex all the time I would have stayed married to the third wife. The really good ones are those VIP party girls video infomercials since most of those are guys on girls in lingerie. Wow … I get the lingerie quivers just thinking about it, but digress, as it is always different strokes for different folks. The ones for those stupid, get an erection without Viagra infomercials. They always have some porn stars on wearing little mini’s hiked up just below the pubic region, and it’s hard to tell the doctors from the porn stars actually in those as well. When I am really desperate, then those infomercials for the support hose that make you look skinnier will do, and the one for the videos on how to use your computer has a real hottie with a very short skirt too.

The last bastion of truly perverted TV has just started popping up around here, but I am sure that many of you out there have known about it for years. El Televisiono El Stupido, is what we call all of those Spanish channels around here. Almost every show on there has very scantily clad women galore. I can actually understand most of what they are saying as I do speak Italian, and it is incredibly similar, but I have the volume down anyway, as I am merely stimulating my eyes. It’s better to just pretend that everything they are saying is sexually related anyway. I mean it is a fantasy come true for us real nudniks … gorgeous hotties, short skirts, always hanging all over ugly people … like me. ;8o)