Thursday, August 4, 2005

Let's Talk About Sex Baby - Volume 1

So it is with a twinge of honesty that I say to all that I really had no topic for today. I had a friend throw up some words, and picked the one that I though I could write something on the easiest. PORNOGRAPHY, just happens to be a favorite topic of mine anyway, so I decided that it would be an interesting starting point. Mind you, since it is the usual norm of this Blog that I have to learn something from something strange, what I learned from watching porn movies, is probably going to shock and dismay many, but that is also a secret goal of mine as well. I had sworn off women to the best of my ability a short time ago, so I also have had A LOT of experience in this subject, you see.

I am a normal male, and I have no really discernable pride, so I have decided to go on from here. I download a lot of porno movies … as a matter of fact I have well over 50 gigs of porn on my hard drive as I type this (I had to get a second hard drive for it all) and can’t wait to finish this Blog entry, and go watch some. All of my porno has one thing in common, the women always have stockings on, because it is important to separate your fantasies from your realities, and the reality of it is, I can get the stuff without stockings in real life. My ex wife (the slut … not the lesbian or the angry one) always used this little fetish of mine to her advantage, and when it all boils down to it … goodie. Unfortunately it also meant that every time she just so happens to be single and comes to get the kids or I am dropping them off, guess what she’s wearing. Amazing how I never get credit for the things I can avoid huh?

I like the way porno movies flow too. You notice how all those things that happen to us normal folks doesn’t happen in porno movies, aside from all the things that happen in porno movies that don’t happen to us normal folks. I mean here are two hornier than hell people who just met, and ya notice that when they start kissing each other, they don’t start clanking teeth or drooling all over each other? Yeah that’s realistic, without even going into the many other things that are going on that don’t even really look enjoyable, but give a wonderful camera angle. How do they actually keep a strait face too? I mean in the real world, a guy who looks like that probably doesn’t get a woman who looks like that very often. Shouldn’t there be a look of total shock on his face at the very least?

Another thing that makes me really boring in all reality, is that I don’t even like the movies that have lesbians in them. I hate seeing a woman doing a man’s job to begin with, but I also can’t really relate. Watching women enjoying each other better without me there kinda makes me feel less than I suppose, and when there is a guy involved with them too it just gets too confusing anyway. I have a hard enough time keeping one woman happy, much less having to watch these show-offs doing it. Trust me I tried that gig in college once and it was pretty embarrassing, let me tell you. I have this whole sick and twisted angst thing going on with the ex-wife and her girlfriend as well, which I have no desire to fulfill. Perhaps there is another 12 step program I should go to? It’s worse though when it is several guys on one woman because then you have to look at twice as many face shots, and that simply forces me to have to fast forward and rewind way too much. Oh yeah like you didn’t know.

Now of course the color of the stockings means a lot to perverts like me too. The white ones sort of symbolize a kind of innocence that makes the pure filthy behavior, seem more loving (ok I try to convince myself of this and it doesn’t actually work on me either), while the black ones usually make everything seem a little hotter. The tan ones are really the bomb since in the perverted mind they make the whole sexual encounter seem more spontaneous, but as you are reading this you already think I am a little off, so it is just MY opinion. The colored ones add a little flair to the whole encounter, but for some reason make the whole thing seem kinda cartoony. I’m also not a big fan of fishnets, as it is the allure of the feel of stockings that does it for me, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers.

The story line of the porno movies isn’t really that important of course, and to be quite honest about it, a story line only interferes with what is really important in the movie, the sex of course. I have seen some hilarious things in porno movies though. In “Debbie Does Dishes” (yes it is a real one kids) there was an actual scene where the guy comes out of the bedroom naked after just having really rough sex. Debbie, our heroine (not my ex wife) is doing the dishes she has been putting off all day, naked of course, like the rest of us do. The man (name unimportant, cuz his job is to just bring the shmekie and use it really) asks Debbie (our heroine) if she has a beer? She looks at him and says “It’s ok not to drink” to which he looks at her and say “Where the f*** are you from the f***in’ AA? It’s ok to drink to baby!” which then is followed by sex, of course. Who would have known that I could use THAT as a pickup line?

Now it was my first sponsor who told me that CSAM (Casual sex and Masturbation) were all I needed to understand when I was getting sober all them years ago. I learned (mostly because casual sex always involves a willing accomplice) that masturbation is simply “Sex with someone you love … Or at least someone you should love” and I guess that I have learned to love myself a lot over the years, but the one great thing about all of the “Mary Palm” jokes is that I don’t have to worry about all of the resentments afterwards. Well actually I hope not, I think I just finally proved that I am sick enough to strangle ME in my sleep after all. ;8o)