Thursday, August 11, 2005

Heterosexual Eye for the Metrosexual Guy - Volume 1

Ok … so I must set the stage for this Blog with the usual new character added into my Blogosphere. “A-Hole in El Lay” is actually a friend of mine but his own sexual confusion is mired in his belief that he can only attain happiness if he is prettier than the women he dates. This might actually be a west coast thing, but I am here to help out with the antidotes for blatant narcissism, and a more practical way to live your life that has been a time honored tradition amongst many a heterosexual male, since the days of strobe candles and riding dinosaurs. It is a public service of sorts that I should try to help along the poor fellow who either fell in love with the fantasy that is Howard Dean, or simply uses it for the fantasy that is himself. In this edition … Volume 1 … we will deal strictly with hygiene, and following Volumes will deal with such complicated issues like Fashion and Dating.

Proper grooming for the Heterosexual Male …

Now contrary to popular belief, we normal men are not completely without hygiene. Many of us believe that proper grooming is very essential to normal function. Take myself for instance, since I do fashion myself as a perfectly normal heterosexual male, I like to think of the four basics. Hair … Teeth … Nails and Skin, just like the Metrosexual …. Well ok …. “male” does. I just don’t believe that it takes a beauty salon, and a copy of Ladies Home Journal to get me the results that I desire. I’m actually very well groomed, and as a very well balanced “multi-tasker” I need not waste valuable time, that could better be spent watching sports, at the beauty salon. Try some of these wonderfully brilliant time savers to proper grooming.

We shall start with the “Hair” aspect to proper grooming. As a single father I have come to find out that Suave for Kids with built in conditioner is not only cheap but it turns that grueling 3 minute shower into a 2 minute Olympic style event! It also gets my hair nice and shiney, while avoiding the tangles so that my favorite method of combing works just fine … with my fingers. I also am a very new century kind of guy, who understands that hair is far more than the stuff on top of my head. I save a ton of time, and undue waste disposal by ripping out my nose hairs as I drive. When they have been eradicated, a simple flick out the window eliminates the mess, without having to explain to the lady in your life, why you missed the trash. Sensitivity is also a strong suit of most heterosexual men that we rarely get credit for. Keep in mind that the usual nose full of snot issues are often eliminated as well by having little to no nose hair, and saves valuable Trees, by making the use of the “Brooklyn Handkerchief” all that much more realistic. My new found liberal side thanks me for saving trees. This method also works with the ear hair for my aging friends, but it does tend to hurt a lot more, but who cares cuz we are men damnit! Now of course don’t forget to take care of that nasty clump of hair around your anus as well. For you Metrosexuals who just thought “goodie” this has nothing to do with having people look at it, it’s purely for saving on toilet paper, and keeping our liberal side happy saving trees again.

Now as we move on to Teeth, a truly happy heterosexual male does brush his teeth every morning, it just gets a little sketchy from there. It’s usually another time and resources thing. I usually use the straw from my iced coffee to get several of those hard to reach places, and want to remind you out there taking notes, DO NOT, suck the scum in the straw out. It is important to be discrete when you are doing things of such a delicate nature in public. Match book covers also work in a pinch, but since most of us carry Bic lighters these days (and don’t try to improvise with the lighter) it usually doesn’t become a variable anymore. If you do feel the need to add a little pinosh, then by all means brush again before bed.

Nails are a little harder to deal with than you might think. The proper heterosexual male doesn’t get manicures. It’s bad enough having to teach my daughters how to do that crap than spend time doing it on myself. The best thing to do really is pry the grease from out of your fingernails with your teeth, but when you get sick of that, simply chewing them off is a wonderful substitute for cleaning anyway. Can’t get grease under non-existent nails now can you? Pocket knives and Ice coffee straws are also wonderful personal grooming tools, but I think it is a little over kill to have to get fancy about it all. Now mind you, I have tried some of these things the Metrosexual way, I actually did fly all the way out to Seattle to get a pedicure, and quite enjoyed it, but come on, 11 hours in a plane and airports? I am back to my own personal nail care secrets again.

The skin can be a very complicated thing to take care of in the heterosexual male world, but I have developed many techniques to save you time, and money in keeping your skin ever so clean and soft. Now after bathing myself quite well during my 2 minute shower every morning, I like to make sure that I use the same towel for at least two weeks. This helps in keeping your skin nice and soft, as the towel gets slimier with each use. Don’t just ignore those pimples on your back either gentleman! You can make a game out of it in the mirror, with a little self discipline and good aim, you can start hitting anything you want on the mirror. Practice makes perfect! I have also started taking to using the fancy deodorants too, now that Old Spice comes in different scents, but it’s always the classics that get me … Irish Spring and Good Ol’ Spice … but at times I have been known to jazz it up a bit with some Off or even a little Coppertone when I am feeling risqué’ ;8o)