Sunday, August 14, 2005

Heterosexual Eye for the Metrosexual Guy - Volume 2

So here I am at another day of hardship in the old noodle, trying to figure out another Blog Topic. This of course forces me to fall back on these topics that I have set up for times like these. The “Unfinished Rants” are good for getting you past the humps, where you either have a severe case of writers block, or even the better times like today, where I wasn’t forced to wake up tragically alone. In either case allow me to interject another edition of “HEFTMG” which will be dedicated to fashion and accessories. These are far more important to us “manly men” than you might realize, but as always they serve dual purpose. When I go shopping I only shop at the best known boutiques in the world myself you see … Wal-Mart & Target, but I don’t want to subject you to too much hopeless name dropping, as it will only serve to embarrass us both.

The “Well Dressed” heterosexual male has many choices when he visit’s the local Wal-Mart actually. Choices made here can affect your sex appeal more than you can understand. Beyond the whole “Wrangler” … “Faded Glory” … “Tuffskin” …. “Levis” debate there is also the whole … should I go with the T-shirts that have my favorite sports teams on them or jazz it up a little with the T-shirts that have the pocket for my smokes? Of course it is my best opinion that Wranglers and Red Sox shirts are the key to all that is glamorous about town, but I am only a guide. I’m sure that in the real world of high fashion, it might be confusing to many as to whether women truly desire the whole “Sweater vest, silk shirt, chino pants” look to the “Tight T-Shirt, tattooed arms, tight on the ass jeans” look, but I haven’t had all that much research invested into the whole thing.

Underwear is usually found in packs of 5. I prefer Boxer Briefs, for that best of both worlds appeal. I hear the Metrosexuals often talking about what fabrics, and what cut go into their underwear, and I am still having some trouble as to why that matters. If “she” is taking the time to admire what your underwear looks like then you are once again wasting valuable time in your fiduciary duties if you ask me. It might be the difference I suppose, as I usually find that my underwear doesn’t stay on me very long, or is even commented on, more than “damnit, help me get these off” during those intimate times. I’m sure that I will not be the first person to acknowledge that the wrapping of the present is only impressive if you are sure that the gift inside is going to stink. While you are here you can also get the socks which should come about 12 to a pack and say Hanes.

Now footwear is a hard one for me, you see, you will need to go to the back wall where they use fancy European terms like “Safety Shoe” or “Workwear” to describe what us real men call “Steel Toed Sh** Kickahs!” I can be rather classy about my footwear now that Sketchers has come out with some great steel toed shoes. Moderate, black, low cut, numbers that can be worn on the town of course. The sneakers are in the other isle, and will depend on the mood, but I usually try to get New Balance, as I tend to have fattie feet. I like to have a fancy pair of those “Fry” or “Cowboy” boots for special occasions. It not only makes you look classier, but in my case taller as well. Not to mention the fact that it covers up the fact that most heterosexual men only own white socks also.

Your jacket should express who you are without being too tacky. A nice nylon hooded arctic jacket with your favorite football team emblazoned on the back says a lot about the man inside it. Why say, “hey look at me I’m gay,” when you can say “why you looking at me are YOU gay?” but for the chilly spring and fall months a simple leather bombers jacket, or a steady drawer full of sweat shirts (once again don’t forget your favorite sports teams on them) should suffice just fine. In the summer or days that might be slightly chilly the preferred heterosexual method is the “Jeans” shirt that can easily be tied around your waist, or lost for all we care, when it gets too warm to wear it.

Should you need to accessorize this wonderful ensemble further may I suggest that you check out those precious carabineers, that can hold your keys to your belt loop. They are both practical and fashionable these days. The perfect wallet will also be found in this area. I suggest a simple bill fold, because pretending you have more money and credit cards than necessary is so 90’s. The belt that compliments the whole ensemble probably also be in this same general area, and I do like to point out that the buckle with your favorite beer emblem probably is a little to west toward “Red Neck”. It is important to have two belts the one with the iron buckle for every day, and the one with the shiny buckle for funerals and weddings and such. Try to make the buckles match those on your Fry boots so that you don’t look totally classless, but you don’t want it to look like you were using some sort of style consultant either. Should you be confused about any of this coordinating fashions garbage, don’t be afraid to just wear sneakers, jeans and a T-shirt. Being non-conformal, will get you looked at every bit as much, if not considerably more, than primping and preening. ;8o)