Friday, August 26, 2005

Deadly Sins Therapy - Volume 5

So it finally happened the first actual family gathering that involved my kids, myself, my immediate family (grandmother, aunt, her fiancé), my ex wife, and her girlfriend. It was incredibly uneventful really. My ex and I got along famously, like we had never even gotten divorced, her present acted like she had been a member of the family all along, and my family behaved. BORING!!!!! How dare all of these people not give me good blog material! I swear I am going to have to pray for all of those bastards. I mean do they not understand how much everyone out there in blogland depend on their surreal antics to keep them all laughing? Do they not understand that perhaps if we had one of those old fashioned family dinners, then everyone out there would have wonderful visions of how their family life isn’t that bad? Oh you haven’t heard about one of my old fashion family get-togethers? Well if the Yeager side of my family is going to be a boring get-together then let me take you to the other side of my family … Banjos please …

Now for all of you who were hoping for another edition of “Things you learn from the Ex Wife’s Girlfriend” or “Living with Evils’s”, just because it was looking like it could be a barn burner, well it just wasn‘t. Let me in turn apologize for the lack of show material and bore you with another volume of “Deadly Sins Therapy”. Instead of just talking about the Malice/Anger aspect of the deadly sins that my family brings upon me {or should I say I brought upon them}, I will also talk about the kindness I in turn had to use to counteract some, if not all of my malice, after it was all said and done. Love em or not, they are family, and sooner or later you always have to admit to being related to some people. If you haven’t noticed, I don’t mind airing my dirty laundry. Makes it pretty damn hard to dredge up my secrets to throw in my face, when all is said and done. This might be a little boring to all of you who come from sick, alcoholic, and co-dependant families like I have. Perhaps I will be able to make it up to you in a later Blog, but I have to go with what I have, as Imtoocutus’s party was just bland.

So if I were to go back to the last Fink {yeah that last name in and of itself could be a blog waiting to happen, don’t bother telling me} family get together that I had attended was back in 1988, for those of you who can’t do the math, it would place us to about 8 months before I came to AA this last time, and took it seriously, recovered from my hopeless state of mind and body, and started my path toward recovery. With that said, this was NOT one of the times I was actually in recovery, although, I had been not drunk, and a member of AA for about 17 months at this time, before my inevitable relapse, because that is what sick people do, when they have untreated alcoholism, but I digress. You see in my family, especially the potato picking part of my family, the tree kinda doesn’t branch out much. I often joke that my father was the black sheep for marrying outside the family, and I was worse than that for having actual non Maine DNA in me. Our family get-togethers were nothing more than an opportunity to get drunk, and cause enough emotional pain to hold us off till the next one, especially Thanksgiving. As we often liked to call it Thanksgettinging, and get out a-hole.

I have joked very often because I was the ONLY sober {for lack of a better word} person to show up to one of these things in about 6 generations. This of course didn’t add to the fuzzy feelings that all of these inbred losers had for me to begin with, but it did put me in pretty good shape for what was to always come at Thanksgiving. It’s pretty simple really, we would sooner or later break off into pairs of two, and start duking it out {ya know like most normal families do} in a sort of sick and twisted “Celebrity Boxing Tournament” each of us moving up the chain based on victory until the two remaining sicko’s would “take it to the lake” to see who would be that years winner. The winner was always proclaimed by my Grandmother coming out of the back door and waving a butcher knife yelling …. Yeah you probably guessed it already …. “THANKS FOR RUINING THANKSGIVING!!!!!” This entitled you to the greatest prize a family like mine could ever give you … The wonderful knowledge that you never have to come back.

I was a pretty lean 5’8” 125 lb ball of nothing, but I had speed, and a killer set of family resentments, that I learned about in rehab at this time, so I was ready for all comers. When the initial fight broke out, I started off with my cousin Bryan {This was the one who later on in life was immortalized on America’s Dumbest Criminals, when he and a bunch of friends broke into an audio/video store in Georgia, and like most idiots grabbed the video camera first, recorded all of their mayhem, making sure that they each held the camera for a bit, so that they ALL could be in the video, and then sold the camera to a pawn store with the tape still in it … yeah we all saw it … damn genetics}, and he was an easy one. Little creep never could hold his liquor, and got blinded by his own vomit. My grandfather was next, and he wasn’t going to be easy, even if he was riddled with colon cancer, them former outlaw bikers do fight really dirty yanno. Fortunately for me his own knees beat him, so I was off to fight for the grand prize … off to the lake we go.

Now mind you, my Uncle is a tuff son of a bitch, he retired from the Marines a Major, and his specialty was officially killing things. The worst was definitely ahead of me, and despite my violent temper, this was not to be a very good test of my incredible dry drunk mentality. For the record, that was the last day my uncle ever drank, since he found AA meetings while he was in the hospital first with broken ribs, and then with withdrawals. He has been sober roughly 7 and a half months longer than I have been. When my grandmother sounded the final bell with her rousing rendition of, “THANKS FOR RUINING THANKSGIVING!!!!!” I had just about drowned him, and I was using some wonderful language about his mother, and how he had that coming for a very long time. It pretty much took every, still standing male in the family to pull me off of him, since the usual butcher knife approach had gotten old, and had lost it’s teeth. Besides, I was at the very least the closest thing to sober that had ever been to this farce before, so I actually knew she would never use it. Congratulations Master Fink, you have finally accomplished what your father took another year to do, but had always been trying so hard to do …. Total banishment to the Maine Potato Unions answer to the Hatfield’s, and even if you marry your own cousin, you will never have another Thanksgiving in old Maine again. Little did I know that a lot of these people never would again.

The updates to this little fiasco are quite humorous as well. My cousin finally went to jail, not for the whole Americas Dumbest Criminals caper, but for failure to pay child support. 7 kids … 5 mothers … 4 states … what a loser! My grandfather unfortunately died in October the next year, he didn’t have to face another one of those God forsaken events, but the first thing I did sober (this time around) was I kidnapped him from the VA Hospital in Manchester, where they thought he was going to spend the rest of his life (ha … I showed them) and rode his ass out to Sturgis {on a Suzuki Intruder ha ha ha ha ha} where he swore he had the greatest week of his life, and my grandmother never forgave me for that (and unfortunately, as she lives in my duplex in Florida, with my father on the other side, she couldn‘t remember either, her senility disowned me many years ago too), but despite how much my father hated his father, and my irresponsibility, he told me afterwards that I made him proud for doing what was right by his dad. My uncle, well this as I eluded to was the funniest part of all, every Thanksgiving he calls me to thank me for showing him the way to Bill, as he always says it, which is why I truly believe in a good ass kicking getting you sober sometimes. :8o)