Monday, August 22, 2005

And The Merry Go Round Broke Down - Volume 2

Back almost a decade ago, Microsoft came out with their newest Windows Based OS called Windows 98, and many people to this day think that it was the best version of Windows ever. One of the things that nobody really remembers about it was an IRC reader called Comic Chat. Now this was a really adorable program that turned everything that was being said into little balloons over different cartoon characters heads that are assigned to each user in the room. It looked like a big rolling comic strip, and for a while it was a lot of fun. The reason I am sooooooo remembering this these days is because Microsoft might have been on to something when they created this little gem of a Windows Add-On, as I look throughout the wonderful world of FOBW chat on Yahoo. I had made the realization many months ago that I was nothing more than a cartoon character in a chat room that should be taken about as seriously as nuclear propulsion theories from a 3 year old. I in turn shared this piece of cake with everyone that I personally knew from the FOBW room, and hoped that some of them would learn from this pearl of wisdom the next time some one called them a C*** in the room or bragged about their incredible social life, despite the fact that they spent well over 60 hours in a chat room everyday. I unfortunately found out the hard way that I might have been a bigger dreamer than those who actively play make believe in the wonderful world of cyber space. The terminology of “The Merry Go Round Broke Down” comes from the song that plays during most Daffy Duck cartoons, and just about anything musical other than when they play Chopin. It also happens to be the joke I make when certain chat a-holes are being extra “cartooney”.

I started off my day yesterday, thinking that it would be a good day. I had a wonderful couple of dates with a fabulous woman, so why shouldn’t Sunday morning be happy, joyous and free I was thinking to myself in actual real time, as I turned on the monitor to my computer. Hell I even slept in until 9am which is really late for me. My screen had 3 open IM boxes, which is not uncommon for me, the first one was from my sweetie, saying a few nice things, the second one was from an ex sweetie, saying some rather sour things, and the third one was from the ex sweeties current sweetie, who was going to kill himself. I immediately took this seriously, since if I were trashed and angry, I probably would want to kill myself too. I managed to get a hold of the person and talked to them for a bit, but the conclusion that they reached no mater what I said was that they wanted to die. I then proceeded to call a mutual friend in the same city as this person, and started getting the ball rolling to hopefully save his life. I have yet to hear from the friend who had threatened to kill himself, but I have been told that he is probably ok.

Upon finishing with all of that the old IM box popped up again, and there was a person on the other end who was miserable over the twisted web that said suicidal friend had created. Now don’t get me wrong, I always knew he was full of sh** I just found it shocking that someone else didn’t and was really broken up about it all. I did my best throughout most of the day to calm her down, and try to make sure that as a friend I was caring to the point of being there while at the same time compassionate to tell her where the bear took a crap in the woods also. Needless to say I have not heard from her, and hope that she is doing better, because it sure didn’t look like it at the time.
In all reality, I am totally befuddled as to how we get to this point. I am as guilty as the next person of chat hypnosis, as many people remember back to the days of my whirlwind romance on the internet with the woman of my dreams, and all of the BS that accompanied all of that. I in turn did end up learning a lot about myself in the end, and it was the starting point of the transformation of Jeremy the love sick puppy to … well Jeremy the sex starved kitten I guess, but everything that has happened, as I said, has given me the opportunity to grow, as life always does. I don’t have to get to the point of being an unfeeling know it all, or an unthinking big mouth, but I can still call a spade a spade, and speak out whenever the hell I want, as well.

Today I am not afraid to be the a-hole that points out the soft nasty underbelly of internet chat anyway. Pointing out the cartoon characters (like those that spew insults and then pretend to hide because an angry customer is coming … like that isn’t transparent) and the total internet sex predators (with or without a beautiful island to lure the ladies), which if you think they are only men … you are an idiot. I am even willing to admit that I have been labeled a predator a time or two, as I always say “The evidence would point that way, and they wouldn’t be your friend if they didn’t mention it”, but of course my true friends know that it is hard for me to be as I can’t even say a word for genetalia other than shmekie. {Side note … some day I will be telling you all about how hillarious it must be trying to have phone sex in a long distance relationship with a man that can’t say dirty words “So I pull out my … well … you know, and then caress your … thingy yanno … until I … well … yeah that” the poor co-dependant victims that have crossed my path … I‘ll tell ya}

I’m also the first one these days to admit that some of the “less desirable” chat characters are far more welcome to me than the “more desirable” to others. I wasn’t there when Hewhowillnotbenamed was in the chat room being attacked by all of the people who thought he had it coming, but I found it quite amusing that they had so wonderfully blended with the same people they whine and bitch about in their still lingering jeers of him when I came in. Always important to note that when you order sh** you eat sh**. I am responsible whenever the I am needed to carry the message to whomever regardless of my principals and the personalities involved to carry the message. I thank God, and my sponsor for teaching me that. I have been burned several times helping out, but I have been treated to many more wonderful friends, many of whom had to become the butterfly’s that God always intended them to be. I look at “Me Bellah from Mizzura” who always makes me smile when I talk to her, despite her problems in the past of getting the program. She didn’t even know that she had talked me down from my own personal roof yesterday (well until now) just by coming online and chatting with me for a little while, as I was desperately taking a break from all the BS. She didn’t say anything special, she just showed me how much better she was getting, by talking.

I do take inventories, it was explained to me by an oldtimer, back when I only had about a year sober that I am responsible for crafting what I am to become. To fear looking at others, their faults, their issues, their recovery, is to be closed minded to what I want to become. I am doomed to repeat my past behavior of sticking with the losers if I don’t. I am willing to admit, that as a natural born loser, “Like attracts Like” after all. Also as a natural born loser, I am clueless as to what decent people do without a little guidance. I was at the gas station yesterday for example with my grandmothers car, during my insanity time out . Why did I have her car, you may ask? Well it’s because she is 76 years old and hates pumping her own gas. I make it a weekly tradition to go fill her tank of course. Aside from the fact that the old me, wouldn’t care to do things like that, I was also by chance, asked by an 82 year old woman who was there to open and close her gas cap for her so that she could pump her own gas, which I did with a smile because it was the right thing to do. Like I knew any of this without observing others over the years. I felt pretty damn good about myself and was so used to doing the one deed for my grandmother that I had forgotten to pat myself on the back for it! A lot of this goes on even in that stupid chat room.

I would be missing out on those small miracles in my life if I was closed off to the world, and not searching for adult (sometimes) conversation when I am trapped at home with my kids, screaming around me like little cannibals. I might not be in the FOBW rooms as often as I used to be, but it did lead me to my new passion and release point … My Blog, and my 360 Page … which has also been a wonderful joy as I have been meeting great people like the “Native Goddess from Birch Beer Land” and all of the wonderful people she’s been introducing me to as well! I was very happy to see that I had 6 offlines today from people who were genuinely concerned about my well being after yesterday. I will be praying that sooner or later Hewhowillnotbenamed gets his head out of his ass, and starts trying some honesty. If he doesn’t then I will stay sober, and he will probably die. This is where my compassion and honesty meet head to head. ;8o)