Monday, July 18, 2005

Things you learn with a Bad Back - Volume 1

It's now been about 2 months since the injury to my back, and although it feels fine the moments that it doesn't are pretty ... well ... miserable. The only amusing factors of having a severely ruptured disk are the many stupid life changes that I have to endure. Stupid is in the eyes of the beholder I know, but the wonderful thing here is that I have absolutely no problem getting into the gross and mundane details of what I do from day to day. Since I have now officially learned more than I wanted to to begin with, I'll start with the really nasty things.

First and most important ... If you don't take a crap, you'll be in agony!! My beautifully rich life as a young wanna be rock star is now totally riddled with fascination about how to take a poop better. I have bags of prunes, Raisin Bran, and just about every other thing I had given other people a hard time about. I could be compared to a scientist, with the amount of care that goes into making sure I take a good poop everyday. Keeping in mind that I leave the bathroom with a new found spring in my step, I have also found out that it doesn't make good "friendly" conversation to talk about my wonderful success at being able to take a dump now. The good news is that my social skills have always been a little lacking anyway.

Second and more humorous than anything ... There is a whole soft underbelly to the Fitness Club that I never knew about. I used to just walk in and start throwing around weight psychotically, and with great vim and vigor, perhaps scaring away a lot of the patrons along the way. Now that the doctor has cleared me for "machine lifting" I have discovered that over in the Cybex area, there actually happens to be a different crowd (mind you I noticed the Gymbos, cuz I'm a boy) that have different goals then getting even with the ex wife, which is what started the whole body obsession with me years ago anyway. I found out that some of those Gymbos actually have brains, even if it is hard to see them through the spandex, and that the older crowd, of course, can help me with my fascination with the perfect poop cocktail.

Third and probably also very important some day ... The concept of a man who could throw their back out at anytime and be paralyzed by sex, is actually a turn on to some of the sickos that I have encountered. This of course is seriously interfering {said with a smirk} with the whole staying away from women kick that I am on. In the end I am sure that these many wonderful women will hear enough from my big mouth (probably about the perfect dump) to run away scared as they should, thus eliminating said last problem.

But in all seriousness it isn't that much fun having to alter every movement that you make ... things that used to be just a short reach away have become a major event ... squat at the knees ... grasp firm ... up with the back strait ... it just makes me want to vomit, but at the same time I am always reminded by a good size pain why I am doing that. Now if I can just figure out a way to get the lawn mowed for me I'll be all set, I still don't trust the 12 year old with the lawnmower ;8o)