Friday, July 22, 2005

Livin' With Evils's - Volume 1


I heard it once said in a video I got from the library, that parents are actually wild animal trainers. We aren't friends. We aren't simply guardians. We are wild animal trainers. Kids are NOT little adults with adult feelings and problems. They suffer from an inferiority complex because they are ... well ... inferior. They are smaller, they have lived less time and learned less so far. They are also totally controlled by their instincts. Their instincts are what tell them that having a screaming fit in the middle of Wal-Mart might get them what they want, and they full well know that it is playing on your fear of humiliation. They also display many other manipulative traits that I am going to outline as I go through the various phylum of Wild Animals that I have here. I will also give examples of what they do and how I have learned from it.

I'll just start with yesterday. My 4 year old Sabrina Lynn {named after the witch on TV, and the witch who gave birth to her ... Code Name "Little Evil" ... phylum "Imtoocutus"} starts screaming bloody murder downstairs. This child is killing me. The daddy instincts go into effect, and I am forgetting completely about my bad back and the doctors orders of no lifting anything over 5 pounds. I do what any crisis like this needs, I pick her up in one arm ... immediately go upstairs to the freezer ... get a popsicle {cuz a popsicle cures everything} ... take her up to the bathroom ... clean the foot where she had stepped on a nail {note to self ... kill the boy} ... put on a Dora band aide ... kiss the BooBoo, and put her in bed to watch TV. Crisis number one solved. "Imtoocutus" has been tamed for the moment.

Now I must go downstairs, so that I can find out why I am going to kill the boy. There is Darius Franklin {named after the king of Persia and his lovable father ... Code Name "Captain ADHD" ... phylum "Ididntdooit"} standing on his head watching television. Now during the last half hour apparently Captain ADHD has managed to stand on his head 35 times, change the channel 40 times, completely rip the stuffing' out of a pillow that I once loved, and of course ... take apart the coffee table, which was exposing the nails that Little Evil had stepped on. Now the problem here is what to do about the boy since he had already forgotten that he had even taken apart the coffee table and, right now is concentrating on Karate moves. Most people don't understand that the school and the camp get the wonderfully assertive Darius who is tonked out on Adderol during the day, and I have this one who had already burned it out of his system on the bus ride home.

So I try to give him the long boring lecture about destroying things, and I stop every once in a while to make him repeat what I said, this is still an exercise in futility, while he is still working on his acrobatics. In the end it usually boils down to him saying something along the lines of "So you don't want me to have any fun?" followed by "So you hate me then?" and the poor hero in this story trying to reassure the boy that I don't hate him. This is then followed by another long lecture about owning up to his responsibility, then another "Yeah but" or two. Does this seem like I am having a little adult conversation ... NO ... wild animal training.

Ok ... I have the angry little soldier in bed now and I have to go check on little evil, but along the way a new animal that never seems to be trained Szarah Jaqueline {name origin unknown ... Code Name "Big Evil" ... phylum "Lazius Boycrazius"} is still laying around in her clothes from camp knowing full well that she should have changed by now. Well it's only been 3 hours, but who's keeping track. She is doing her favoritest hobby in the whole wide world too ... winding up the 6 and 4 year old ... you see she's 12. She has to go to bed at the same time as the other two because she won't put her clothes in the hamper every morning ... no more no less. I can't get it through to this animal that it isn't really that hard. This animal might have to be put to sleep someday, but I will keep trying for now. I'll save the single father trying to explain menstrual cycles to her for another volume of Deadly Sins Therapy and move on. The son is kicking the wall ... kinda sounds like the theme to Dragon Tales ... Little evil has started screaming again ... off goes Superdaddyman ... Sabrina is crying so hard ... I ask her what is the matter and she gulps out "I hu hu hu .... hurt .... daa dees ba ba ba back" .... Oh the guilt I have some days ... This kid is killin' me, did I tell ya that? ... ;8o)