Saturday, July 23, 2005

Deadly Sins Therapy - Volume 2

Ok so I have already established the removal of pride treatment in Deadly Sins Therapy Volume 1, but I have a new maintenance routine that has been offered to me in the last few years. Once again ladies I must apologize ahead of time for how my therapies tend to work better for men than women, but I will try to leave a list of suitable female alternatives at the end of this edition. This volume of Deadly Sins therapy, was sparked into remembrance by yesterdays entry "Livin' With Evils's" and is the continuation of the Big Evil (Lazius Boycrazius) Saga.

The misadventures of Singledaddyman would never be complete without some sort of conversation with the nearly teen daughter about feminine hygiene products. This is an ongoing battle due to the fact that both of us are pretty lazy. Throw in the fact that I am totally "confused" about the whole monthly visits from "Aunt Flo" debate and it makes for some funny dinner conversation. This was the usual of course, where as I have just taken the laundry out of the washer and one way or another there is a maxi pad in the washing machine. Has anyone else out there noticed how HUGE those things get when they are run through the washer! They are nothing compared to the pull-ups that used to make it through, but this is my problem at hand since the wee one no longer uses pull ups. This one was one of those particularly wonderful times when the thing had torn open leaving little gel balls all over the laundry, so I wasn't too happy about it. You would wonder who is more used to this ... her having been yelled at about it once a month for 3 years, or me having had to rewash the laundry every time.

Let me take you back to the time when my daughter had just turned 10 and it became very obvious that she was going through the change. It was a white pants day of course, and she came home from school early, humiliated, and confused of course. She didn't know confused until I tried to wrestle my way through explaining it to her. I'm sure that at the time I did my best, but I do suffer from two problems that were really flying away on me at the time ...

1. I babble like a teenager on a Telephone when I am nervous.
2. I have a very hard time using any words that even moderately refer to human sexual "areas" even when talking to adults {and yeah laugh all you want ... that was hilarious when I was in a long distance relationship, and most of the sex was over the phone, I'll tell ya} but I had to deal with the "life crisis" that was a bleeding confused daughter.

I of course tried the "Text Book" approach at first ... {Well you see, there comes a time in a woman's life when} .... followed immediately by "Why?" which kinda threw me back on my heels, my genius should have come through swimmingly and all should be perfectly understood right now! Well I tried to field that one .... {Well boys and girls are different you see in} .... "Why?" ... {Um .. Well you see Girls have} ..... "Why?" .... Ok this is not going very well, she is supposed to just completely understand the first time damnit!! Didn't she get the memo? ... {Look this is going to happen to you for one week a month ... I'll get you these pad things and you just tell me when you are out of them OK?} there ... I solved that! .... "What do I do with them?" {... uh ... uh ... Well you stick them to the inside of your underwear and they take care of it} ... "This is going to happen to me forever???" ... {Well it's part of being a girl} ... "It's not fair" ... I'm sinking fast here, so as any man would I reversed the argument ... {Didn't you take Health class in school?} ... "Yes" ... (long pause) ... {Didn't they talk about this?} ... "Yes" ... (long pause) ... {Were you listening?} ... (long pause) ... "I don't know" ....

Mind you the curse of all this is that her mother is useless, so I can't send her to talk to her mother about these things, and she doesn't come around much anyway. I finally did the smart thing and called my Aunt who came over and explained it to her. She obviously forgot to tell her the part about throwing these stupid pads away when she is done ... left in her underwear to go into the laundry ... stuffed under her bed ... left on the bathroom floor ... found one under the carpet once ... found the dog chewing on one several times ... I have become much better at talking about these things with her over the years but it usually has more to do with her incredible laziness than anything else. The pure thought of another daughter slowly creeping up that ladder along the way as her 5th birthday approaches has me living in fear daily.

Now as I promised, here are the male to female alternatives for this "pride extraction" routine. Picture these lovely moments that are merely bonding for us boys ... "Look mommy, it's standing up" {The easy answer is ... Don't worry about it standing up, it's later in life when it won't anymore that should scare you} ... Picture your little boy standing on his bed over a very damp carpet with his pants around his ankles saying "Look mommy I made Gahzimes!" and I'll let you find your own for that one, and the wonderful lectures you will have to give about respecting your mother and sisters needs to "sit down" when they pee, whether it's seat up first or seat down after.

On a lighter note I have to appreciate my youngest daughter on this one ... after having two children who took almost 5 years each to get out of diapers (and at 4 1/2 lets face it they don't actually make diapers that hold it all) Little Evil scared me for about a week, when she wasn't going to the bathroom at all. She was barely 1 1/2 and I was feeding her juice and fruit and anything I could think of just to get her to fill a diaper. It was that one day when I walked into the bathroom to see her sitting on the toilet, diaper around her ankles grabbing each of her toes and saying "This little piggy went to market .... this little piggy stayed home ..." that this lazy ass daddy thought to himself ... maybe she'll teach herself the whole menstrual game and give her ol' man a break there too. ;8o)